Mar. 14, 2001/Mar. 28, 1935/Jan. 30, 2178
Brooklyn, NY
From the Free Press Wire
A plot by former Dodger manager Tommy Lasorda to travel back in time and prevent the birth of Dodger legend Sandy Koufax was thwarted by celebrity Dodger fan Kurt Russell and the late Casey Stengel, authorities report.
Lasorda, 73, has always been jealous of Koufax, according to friends of both men. "But this just goes way too far," said longtime Dodger Duke Snider. "If Tommy had succeeded, it's possible that the entire space-time continuum could have been destroyed -- or rather have never come into existence at all. Worse, the Yankees could have won even more World Series." 
Lasorda blames Koufax, a Hall of Fame lefthander who went 165-87 for the Dodgers from 1955-1966, for ruining his pitching career, and also for being much better looking. "Tommy has always thought that he was a better pitcher than Koufax in the mid-fifties," said Snider. "But the Dodgers gave Sandy more chances, and Tommy spent most of his career in the minors."
Details of the plot are sketchy, and where Lasorda acquired the time machine is as unknown. Early reports indicate that the machine was possibly stolen from an inventor from the far future investigating how the 1988 Dodgers could have possibly beaten the Oakland Athletics in the World Series remain unconfirmed. 
Russell, an actor and former minor league baseball player, accidentally overheard Lasorda and longtime henchman Joey Amalfitano discussing the plot at Spago. Russell followed the two to their hideout, where he overpowered Amalfitano, but was too late to prevent Lasorda from traveling back to 1935.
Seemingly instantaneously, Lasorda returned, triumphant. Russell rendered Lasorda unconscious and as reality began to collapse around him, returned to 1935 to undo the damage. Physicists were unable to explain how there could be duration when time itself had ceased to exist.
Russell enlisted the aid of the 1935 version of Stengel (1890-1975), most famous as the manager of the New York Yankees and Mets in the fifties and sixties but then managing the Dodgers. Russell and Stengel tracked down Lasorda, who was attempting to prevent Koufax’s conception by “making a lot of noise”. Lasorda paralyzed Russell with “some sort of raygun” but Stengel was able to subdue and gag him.
Russell thanked Stengel and took possession of Lasorda. However, he was ambushed by Amalfitano, who unbeknownst to Russell had stowed away on the time machine. Amalfitano was easily overcome, but Lasorda took the chance to escape in his time machine to the year 2178. Russell quickly followed.
There, near the blasted remains of Dodger Stadium, Russell and Lasorda undertook an apocalyptic battle. Lasorda, armed with futuristic technology, seemed on the verge of winning when Russell managed to push him to his death in one of the fiery cracks which opened in the Earth after the earthquake of 2103.
The remaining Lasorda is being held on suspicion of attempted violation of the space-time continuum. Koufax is well, though Russell is sure that the pitcher used to be righthanded. A film of the events is in the planning stages. It will be made in 2004, “with Brian Dennehy as Lasorda, Billy Crystal as Casey, and either Jeff Bridges or Jeff Daniels -– I can never tell those two apart -- as me,” said Russell.
Additional reporting by Mac Thomason.