Wells to 'Pitch' for "Weight Watchers"
Baseball Free Press
Monday, February 25th, 2002
WASHINGTON, D.C.--On the heels of Rafael Palmeiro's stunning announcement that he would be the new pitch man for Viagra, David Wells is the latest to join the fray and offer his services for "Weight Watchers."
"I am a lean, mean fighting machine and I am ready to promote a service millions of Americans strongly believe in, myself included."
Wells, when asked what his regular diet was for 6'0 nearly 300 pound frame, said, he has cut way back down to only one dozen (from two dozen) glazed Krispy Kreme donuts a day, and only one six pack of Coca-Cola as opposed to two. He also said that he's cut back from normal 24 ounce steaks down to a 12 ouncer.
"I am walking billboard these days for health and fitness," Wells exclaimed as he rested from his third sit-up. "Not only am I interested in promoting Weight Watchers, but Gold's Gym as well. I really admire Rafy's openness in promoting Viagra and I felt I needed to be the next Baseball veteran to get
on board the publicity express" as he strained to go for his fourth sit-up.
When reached for comment, a spokesman for "Weight Watchers" said there's not a 'chance in hell' Wells would ever be considered for their programs with his diet.
"Somebody should tell 'Boomer' that glazed donuts isn't exactly on our list of healthy foods," said Sarah Michaels, the national spokeswoman for Weight Watchers out of their headquarters in Los Angeles.
As for Palmeiro, he has found Spring Training less then relaxing after his startling announcement about pitching Viagra. To date, he has found bananas, cucumbers, used condoms, tiny little bowling alley pencils, a pair of athletic socks, and a model rocket ship stuffed into his locker. No Ranger has come forward as of yet, but John Rocker has been unusually 'quiet' until reached for comment this morning.
"If I had known Rafy had a problem I would have lent him some of my porn," Rocker said. "I always thought Latino men were supposed to be so gifted in the sack but I guess that's just the black dudes. Poor Rafy."
Rocker was immediately jumped and beaten senseless by teammate Carl Everett who was contained when Alex Rodriguez grabbed the horse tranquilizers from the Rangers clubhouse and stunned Everett who was tied up and blindfolded until he calmed down.
The Rangers are in the American League West and expect to contend for the A.L. West title. Everett's calm was short lived when a drunken Hideki Irabu walked into the clubhouse and started urinating on Everett and left a case of beer on his head. A-Rod again acted quickly and shot the horse tranquilizer in Irabu tying him up.
Rangers General Manager Doug Melvin had no comment.
Baseball Free Press
Monday, February 25th, 2002
WASHINGTON, D.C.--On the heels of Rafael Palmeiro's stunning announcement that he would be the new pitch man for Viagra, David Wells is the latest to join the fray and offer his services for "Weight Watchers."
"I am a lean, mean fighting machine and I am ready to promote a service millions of Americans strongly believe in, myself included."
Wells, when asked what his regular diet was for 6'0 nearly 300 pound frame, said, he has cut way back down to only one dozen (from two dozen) glazed Krispy Kreme donuts a day, and only one six pack of Coca-Cola as opposed to two. He also said that he's cut back from normal 24 ounce steaks down to a 12 ouncer.
"I am walking billboard these days for health and fitness," Wells exclaimed as he rested from his third sit-up. "Not only am I interested in promoting Weight Watchers, but Gold's Gym as well. I really admire Rafy's openness in promoting Viagra and I felt I needed to be the next Baseball veteran to get
on board the publicity express" as he strained to go for his fourth sit-up.
When reached for comment, a spokesman for "Weight Watchers" said there's not a 'chance in hell' Wells would ever be considered for their programs with his diet.
"Somebody should tell 'Boomer' that glazed donuts isn't exactly on our list of healthy foods," said Sarah Michaels, the national spokeswoman for Weight Watchers out of their headquarters in Los Angeles.
As for Palmeiro, he has found Spring Training less then relaxing after his startling announcement about pitching Viagra. To date, he has found bananas, cucumbers, used condoms, tiny little bowling alley pencils, a pair of athletic socks, and a model rocket ship stuffed into his locker. No Ranger has come forward as of yet, but John Rocker has been unusually 'quiet' until reached for comment this morning.
"If I had known Rafy had a problem I would have lent him some of my porn," Rocker said. "I always thought Latino men were supposed to be so gifted in the sack but I guess that's just the black dudes. Poor Rafy."
Rocker was immediately jumped and beaten senseless by teammate Carl Everett who was contained when Alex Rodriguez grabbed the horse tranquilizers from the Rangers clubhouse and stunned Everett who was tied up and blindfolded until he calmed down.
The Rangers are in the American League West and expect to contend for the A.L. West title. Everett's calm was short lived when a drunken Hideki Irabu walked into the clubhouse and started urinating on Everett and left a case of beer on his head. A-Rod again acted quickly and shot the horse tranquilizer in Irabu tying him up.
Rangers General Manager Doug Melvin had no comment.