Baseball Free Press Uncovers the NBA
Baseball Free Press
June 26, 2002
By Alex R., Associate Editor
Folks, the Baseball Free Press has done the unthinkable and crossed over in sport to the NBA as well as traveled into the future to take a look ahead of time at TNT's telecast of tomorrow night's 2002 NBA Draft.
The Scene: New York City, Madison Square Garden
The Crew: Ernie Johnson, Jr., Charles Barkley, Kenny "The Jet" Smith, Rick Majerus, John Thompson, Peter Vescey, Hubie Brown, Reggie Theus, Danny Ainge, and the always present Craig Sager.
The Event: the 2002 NBA Draft
Ernie: Welcome folks at home to our exciting presentation here of the 2002 NBA Draft. I want to welcome all my colleagues including Sir Charles, Kenny 'The Jet' Smith, Utah Coach Rick Majerus, analysts Hubie Brown and John Thompson and reporting live from various NBA sites with interviews will be Danny Ainge, Reggie Theus, Cheryl Miller, and Peter Vescey. Welcome Everyone.
Charles: I just want to see what these kids are wearing. There's always some knucklehead with a red suit like Jalen Rose had that one time.
Kenny: Charles, you know you're just jealous because they all dress better than you.
Hubie: I tell you something, Kenny, all these kids here have tremendous upside. All of them.
Thompson: Huge upside, Hubie.
Majerus: yeah, their upside is even bigger then my backside--that's a lot of upside.
Ernie: well, no suspense gentleman on who the first pick is--Yao Ming from China soon to be a Houston Rocket.
Hubie: And let the "Ming Dynasty" begin.
Thompson: I don't know, burn man. Patrick Ewing called me personally this morning to tell me he really doesn't like Yao. And if Patrick doesn't like him, then he must be right.
Charles: What does Patrick know. He's old and he needs to retire. Hell, all your Georgetown centers are old and gettin' abused by Shaq anyway.
(Silence...)
Ernie: Okay, let's head to the podium where David Stern will announce the first pick.
STERN: and with the first pick of the NBA Draft, the Houston Rockets select YAO MING from the People's Republic of China.
(lots of booing and American flag waiving; suddenly, about 40 Chinese Government soldiers appear with Yao in an Ivan Drago type silk red robe draped over him. The entire brood walks on stage and as David Stern attempts to hand Yao his Rockets cap, two Chinese officials throw Stern off stage into the Clippers table and make evil gestures towards a hostile NY City crowd--communism takes an ugly turn at the NBA Draft)
Ernie: Folks, a surprising turn of events here. Commissioner Stern appears to be in some pain after getting tossed by members of the Chinese Government and is being helped up by NBA Deputy Commissioner, Russ Granik.
Charles: I like Yao a little better--I have thought about taking out that little punk myself.
Kenny: c'mon Charles, this is not good. Not a way for the first International player to go #1 to make his presence felt.
Hubie: But Kenny, you have to talk about Ming's upside . He has tremendous upside . A nice shot, good feel for the game, he's going to be the Rockets center for the next 40 years.
Thompson: agreed.
Ernie: Ok, Craig Sager is now ready with Yao a bit earlier then expected. The Chicago Bulls are on the clock, folks.
Craig: Yao, why throw David Stern into the Clipper table upon arriving on stage?
Yao: Stern small, toss like toy! Ba ha ha ha!!!!
Craig: Yao, how do you feel about replacing longtime Rockets center Hakeem Olajuwon?
Yao: Hakeem weak. Yao strong. Yao bring Democracy to its knees!
Craig: Okay, Yao, how do you feel about Houston? Are you excited about playing in the same division as Wang Zyu Zyu?
Yao: Wang its traitor. I go to Dallas and kill Wang. I LOVE this game!
Craig: Okay, Ernie, it appears Yao Ming is ready to make an NBA impact.
(commercial)
Ernie: wow, guys some excitement to start off the draft including the first time ever that Commissioner Stern has been tossed through the air into the
Clipper table.
Charles: And don't think the Clippers making bad picks this year won't have that as an excuse.
Ernie: Let's talk about the Bulls and the 2nd pick--any thoughts?
Kenny: Jay Williams, but he went to Duke.
Hubie: Yes, Jay Williams and he has tremendous and stupendous upside .
Thompson: Yes, Jay Williams will go here. He's a Point Guard, right?
Majerus: I agree, take Jay Williams here. You know guys, he almost came to play for me at Utah and Coach K stole him at the last minute.
(Ernie rolls his eyes)
Ernie: hey, let's cut over to Reggie Theus in Denver who's with the Nuggets' Dan Issel. Reggie?
Reggie: Thanks EJ. Dan, as a true veteran of the lottery and the owners of the 5th pick along with a later first round pick, any idea of what area you want to start improving the team?
Kiki Vandeweghe: Yes, Reggie, first things first, I am Kiki Vandewghe. Dan is no longer with the Nuggets organization in any capacity.
Reggie: Excuse me.
Kiki: Anyway, Reg, our first order of business is to get talented guys to stop running for the exits. We need players to actually STAY in Denver.
Maybe it's the altitude but everyone can't wait to leave.
Reggie: Dan, I mean Kiki, can you give us some insight on your pick at #5?
Kiki: Well, Tubbs, I mean Reggie, We like that Georgian with the funny name, Caron Butler, Jared Jeffies or lots of guys. Hell, according to John Thompson, Hubie Brown, and Rick Majerus, everyone has freaking great upside ?!!?!
(Barkley laughs out loud at that)
Ernie: Well, we will get back out to Reggie in Denver but a beat up David Stern is ready with the next pick.
STERN: With the 2nd pick of the NBA Draft, the Chicago Bulls select Jay Williams from Duke University.
(Stern smiles as he sees a much smaller man who comes from the Duke pedigree, realizing Jay won't hurt him--Jay pretends to throw a fake punch but smiles and hugs Stern rather passionately--Russ Granik walks over to tell Jay its time to talk to Craig Sager which clearly upsets Jay as it does every other draft pick).
Ernie: well, guys, you were right--the Bulls went for Jay Williams.
Hubie: Yup. Great upside .
Thompson: Agreed, tremendous upside . Lots of potential.
Majerus: Yes, endless potential. Should be able to share minutes with Jamal Crawford at the point.
Charles: Why does he have to be Jay Williams? I mean, so what if there is a white loser named Jason and a murderer also named Jayson: be a man son and keep your name. And Jay, what's with that suit?
Kenny: Oh Charles...
Ernie: Okay, let's send it down to Craig Sager..Craig?
Craig: Here we have Jay Williams, not Jason Williams. Jay, why the new name? Jay: Well Ernie, there are too many Jason's and they are all bad dudes. I am
just lovin' the ladies. That's my crime--a crime of passion, baby.
Craig: Well, Jay, can you get me some of those ladies in Chicago?
Jay: Sure, Craig, and while I am it, why don't I let you play for Duke and sleep with my mother?
Craig: (voice shaking) Hey, just playing. So, another Duke player in the NBA--how does it feel?
Jay: Probably the same as if I had played for another college and was going to the NBA? What kind of question is that?
Craig: Well, good luck, Jay. Ernie, this young man is ready for thr big time, back to you.
Ernie: Okay, up next guys is Golden State at #3.
Charles: The Warriors stink. I mean, when was the last time this team was any good? They make the Clippers look like the Lakers. Is Elgin running this team now?
Kenny: Charles, Charles. Calm. Anyway, the Warriors are going with Mike Dunleavy it seems.
Charles: Another skinny white kid with good PR--please. He is gonna get batted around like a small child in the NBA. I am surprise the Jazz and the Celtics don't move up to draft his white ass.
Hubie: Yes, but he has tremendous upside .
Thompson: Yes, loads of potential, even for a white kid.
Majerus: Yeah, I recuited him too at Utah but his dad told him to go to Duke. I was so close...
Ernie: Okay, Cheryl Miller is up in Houston to talk with Crroll Dawson, the General Manager of the Rockets about Yao Ming. Cheryl?
Cheryl: Thanks, Ernie. Carroll, can you talk about taking Yao Ming. What does it mean to this franchise to have a real center again?
Carroll: Don't you have a WNBA game to cover or something?
Cheryl: That was very rude.
Carroll: Whatever. Anyway, we wouldn't have taken Ming if the Chinese Government hadn't threatened to blow up Houston like the aliens did in "Independence Day"--we had no choice. Personally, I like Caron Butler.
Cheryl: So, Carroll, you are saying the Chinese Government threatened the city of Houston into making Yao Ming the #1 pick of the NBA Draft?
Carroll: Yes. Hell, you saw what his 'posse' did to David Stern!
Cheryl: wow, Ernie, a surprising admission here by Houston. Sounds like they have their work cut out for them.
Ernie: Okay, guys, we are ready for Golden State. Who do the Warriors go with here?
Charles: Skinny white dude.
Kenny: Dunleavy.
Hubie: Yes, Dunleavy and don't forget his tremendous upside .
Thompson: Yes, upside , for a white boy.
Majerus: Did I mention I almost had this kid at Utah?
Ernie: Okay, it looks like David Stern is ready to announce the Warriors pick.
STERN: with the third pick in the NBA Draft, the Golden State Warriors select Mike Dunleavy, Jr. from Duke University.
(a dejected Dunleavy reluctantly leaves the green room and puts on the Warriors cap--he starts to turn around but two huge men in black suits point Dunleavy towards Stern. They hug.)
Ernie: Well, again no surprises here with Dunleavy heading to Golden State.
Charles: I will give the kid this, he knows he's heading to the Warriors and he's not happy.
Hubie: Yes, but he is going to turn the Warriors around--ohh, that upside.
Ernie: Okay, we now head out to Washington where Danny Ainge is with Wizards President Michael Jordan. The Wizards of course pick at #11 and #17 and last year had the #1 pick, Kwame Brown. Danny?
Ainge: I am here with Michael. Michael, you trade Courtney Alexander to the Hornets and you now have two first round picks. Any indication of what you are going to do?
Jordan: Why would I tell you, Danny?
Ainge: Because I am now working for TNT and I am no longer your on court bitch.
Jordan: So now you're my off court bitch. You'll find out when the rest of America does. (Jordan walks off)
Ainge: Well, Ernie, Michael is being very tight lipped here at the MCI Center. Back to you.
Charles: I told Danny Michael wouldn't talk to him. Michael told me on the Golf course yesterday he likes Dejuan Wagner at #11 and then a few foreign guys at #17.
Kenny: Really? He told you over Golf?
Charles: Yeah, and he says even though you went to North Carolina, he still won't play Golf with you so stop calling.
Hubie: Well, Wanger has tremendous upside --unlimited potential.
Thompson: Yes, loads of potential.
Majerus: He almost came to Utah, where I had Andre Miller, who's a poor black kid from South Central but came to play with a bunch of white kids at Utah. I am quite the convincer. Oh, and Wagner has tremendous game--what upside !
Ernie: Speaking of Andre Miller, he's been the subject of trade rumors that would send him to the Clippers for Kenyan Dolling and the Clippers' 8th and 12th picks. Let's send it over to Peter Vescey at the Staples Center in Los Angeles for the latest trade rumors. Peter?
Peter: Yes, Ernie, well, there are a lot of rumors swirling. Among them, the Spurs are looking to deal Tim Duncan and Malik Rose to Philadelphia for Allen Iverson, Aaron McKie and Derrick Coleman. I also have Kobe Bryant headed from the Laker to Sacramento for Mike Bibby and Doug Christie as well as Paul Pierce and Antoine Walker leaving Boston and heading to Phoenix for Shawn Marion, Penny Hardaway, and Stephon Marbury. Also, my sources indicate that Tracy McGrady is headed to the Knicks for Latrell Sprewell and Charlie Ward.
Charles: Peter, are all these rumors true or hearsay? Are you making this sh-- up? Who are your sources?
Peter: Well, Charles, all these sources can be substantiated. I can't reveal all my sources but I have had several conversations with Spike Lee and Jack Nicholson recently.
Kenny: Any other trades, Peter?
Peter: Yes, look for Dallas to trade Dirk Nowitzki, Steve Nash, Michael Finley, Eduardo Najera, some cash, and some office employees of Mark Cuban along with 500 Dairy Queen sandwiches to Memphis for Shane Battier and some Memphis BBQ.
Ernie: Gee, Peter, that sounds like another master stroke by Jerry West.
Peter: Yes, Ernie, it would seem that way.
Thompson: Peter, John Thompson here.
Peter: Who?
Thompson: Big black dude, used to coach Georgetown?
Peter: Oh yeah.
Thompson: Peter, can you comment on Shane Battier's upside as to why Mark Cuban would trade so much for him?
Peter: I can't comment specifically on Shane's upside but I will say that Mr. Cuban likes him a whole lot. He appears to have major upside .
Ernie: Thanks, Peter. We will check in with you again soon. Peter Vescey, folks, live from the Staples Center. Okay, it looks like David Stern is ready for Memphis' pick at #4.
STERN: With the fourth pick in the NBA Draft, the Memphis Grizzlies select Maybyner 'Nene' Hilario from Vasco De Gama in Brazil.
(the NY city fans immediately start booing until a smiling Jerry West is shown on screen and then suddenly everyone nods in complete understanding because Jerry always knows more than everyone else. Jerry is sitting there with an evil, Mr. Burns like smile as a stunned Hilario is walking on stage towards Stern).
Ernie: Our first shocker and it comes from the 'logo', Jerry West.
Charles: Since Jerry took him, the Grizzlies will probably be in the Finals now and Hilario will be league MVP.
Hubie: Well, Charles he does have unbelievable upside .
(Kenny shakes his head in disbelief).
Thompson: I agree, Mayberry ninny Hilarious is terrific and has tremendous upside .
Majerus: Yeah, I almost had him at Utah. I forgot to mention that Yao Ming also should have been in Utah too. And what great upside !
Ernie: Kenny, any explanation? We all had Drew Gooden here and West throws the curve ball. Is he drafting for someone else? A trade perhaps?
Kenny: It's Jerry West, he knows more than the Clippers that's for sure.
Ernie: Okay, let's send it over to Craig who's with Maybyner. Craig?
Craig: Maybyner, the name. It's pretty crazy. Any explanation?
Nene: (with thick Spanish accent) Yes, My mother was a hippie. Took lots of drugs.
Craig: How about you--any drugs?
Nene: No, not in a long time.
Craig: So you are saying there have been drugs? You do realize they are illegal in the NBA?
Nene: first of all, jack---, I am not stupid, and second Jim Gray, that didn't stop Chris Washburn or even Robert Parish!
(Charles falls on the floor laughing at the Jim Gray comment; Charles can't believe how witty this kid is for a Spanish star learning our language).
Ernie: Okay, well enough of that, sounds like Nene has quite the sense of humor.
Majerus: Yes, he's pretty hilario!
(Thompson and Hubie laugh. Charles stands up and smacks Majerus hard in the back of the head and then sits down. Majerus tears up as John Thompson starts to rub his shoulders)
Ernie: Apologize, Charles.
Kenny: C'mon, Charles, he was trying to be funny.
Charles: But he's not and the 3 viewers we now have left at home watching didn't think it was funny either!
(At this point, Ernie makes the throat slash gesture to the TNT camera men who cut to commercial).
Ernie: Okay, we are back from commercial. Any thoughts on what the Nuggets do at #5?
Charles: They are Golden State in the mountains. It's the Nuggets, who cares?
Kenny: Well, they were looking at Skiti form Georgia but now with Gooden still on the board, they may go there since both Howard and McDyess are free agents and neither one wants to stay in Denver.
Hubie: Good point, Kenhy. Plus, Gooden has tremendous upside .
Thompson: Yes, Drew has unlimited potential.
Ernie: Rick? Coach Majerus?
(Majerus is still crying and apparently has left for McDonald's to grab he and Thompson burgers. On his way out, he says he was close to getting Gooden at Utah before he chose Kansas).
Ernie: Okay, let's head over to Commissioner Stern.
STERN: With the 5th pick of the NBA Draft, the Denver Nuggets select Nikolai Tskitsivili from the Republic of Georgia.
(a smattering of boos and chants of "U-S-A, U-S-A" are led by Hulk Hogan who is in the crowd. Nikolai lifts his middle finger to the crowd and does an air hammer and sickle).
Ernie: Wow, I thought Gooden would go here but the Nuggets stuck with another man who apparently prfers Communism.
Charles: He's from Georgia? He sure doesn't look like he's from Alabama. Another white, foreign dude. Where's Yinka Dare when you need him. They didn't come any blacker then Yinka the stinka.
Kenny: Oh, Charles...
Hubie: This Russian kid, Nicholas Colasanto, has tremendous upside . He was wonderful as Coach on "Cheers". Tremendous upside.
Thompson: Yes, tremendous upside and great potential, even for a white kid.
Majerus (w/ a burger hanging out of his mouth): yes, great upside and he almost...
Charles and Kenny in unison: CAME TO UTAH, RIGHT?
Silence....
Okay let's head down to Craig with Nikolai Tskiovili...
Craig: Nikolai, can you explain the jubilation you must be feeling heading to Denver as the 5th overall pick in the NBA Draft?
Nikolai: What jubilation? Denver is Democracy pig city. It does put me a bit closer to Norad...
Craig: Norad? Why would a Russian want to be close to Norad?
Nikolai: I will explain in due time, Mr. Sager.
Craig: Well, finally, the Nuggets have someone excited about playing for them. Back to you, Ernie.
Ernie: Well guys, we are up to Cleveland at #6. Drew Gooden is still on the board but we have Caron Butler or perhaps a trade projected here. Any thoughts? Gooden or Butler or a trade?
Kenny: I say Caron Butler here who's probably the best athlete in the draft.
Charles: I say Caron because Drew Gooden is wearing a pink suit and the Cavs are already embarrassed enough about being the Cavs.
Hubie: Well, both Gooden and Butler have tremendous upside and the Cavs need help right now everywhere but point guard.
Thompson: Yes, Gooden has tremendous upside . Butler also has tremendous upside .
Majerus: (eating his super sized fries now) Well, Butler almost came to Utah but a last minute trip by Jimmy Calhoun to Sal Lake City cut that off to me. As for Gooden, well, he actually signed a letter of intent with me, his mom was a real nice lady and made me a big dinner. We even had sex a few times. I was sure Drew was coming to Utah but then Roy Williams had sex with Drew's mom and he went to Kansas. Really nice lady and both those kids have tremendous upside .
(Everyone sits in stunned silence except Charles)
Charles: First of all, what woman would be crazy enough to sleep with you and second, I hope to hell she was on top.
Majerus: She was.
Ernie: Well, let's send it down to Commissioner Stern for Cleveland's pick.
STERN: With the 6th pick of the NBA Draft, the Cleveland Cavaliers select Caron Butler from the University of Connecticut.
(Butler is seen in the back crying, hugging his family, Jim Calhoun, the seat filler lady, the security guard, Chris Wilcox, Qyntel Woods, Qyntel's grandmother and many other folks. He grabs his Cavs hat and as he's walking up, an overly excited Drew Carey emerges from the crowd and hugs Butler as he's walking up--Carey then takes the picture with Stern and Butler and presents Butler with a giant plaque signed from the city council and Mayor of Cleveland proclaiming Butler their newest son. Butler is overwhelmed with emotion.)
Ernie: Wow, Drew Carey here representing Cleveland and their excitement to land Caron Butler.
Charles: Drew Carey is someone who I could believe would have sex with you, Majerus.
Kenny: Charles, Charles. Anyway, great pick by Cleveland. Let's hope with all that fuss Drew and the city are making that Butler isn't traded--would be pretty embarrassing!
(At that moment, Commissioner Stern heads back to the podium. He announces that Cleveland has indeed traded the rights to Caron Butler and point guard Andre Miller to Memphis for Jason Williams, the rights to the #4 pick, Maybyner Nene Hilario and Stromile Swift to Cleveland. A dejected Drew Carey yanks the plaque from Butler's hands, yanks off his new Cavaliers cap and walks it over to Hilario, hugs him gingerly and quietly heads back to his seat. Charles starts laughing again.)
Ernie: Unbelievable turn of events here. Pretty embarrassing of Drew Carey to make that kind of display for Butler and that give all that stuff over to Hilario. Just amazing.
Charles: What does Drew Carey know, he's just a white boy. But another great trade by the logo, Jerry West. Man that guy is so smart. And I think everyone else is an idiot.
Kenny: Agreed: Great move by West. Getting Miller and Butler and pairing him with Battier and Gasol is quite a unit of players. I was sure that Miller would be heading to the Clippers.
Charles: And once AGAIN, Jerry West outsmarts the Clippers.
Thompson: And let's not forget that Caron Butler has tremendous upside .
Hubie: Yes, great upside , loads of potential. The next Michael Jordan and Scottie Pippen rolled into one.
Majerus: I already mentioned that he almost came to Utah. Great kid. And what a mom; another great cook and great lay.
(everyone cringes)
Ernie: Let's send it down to Craig Sager who's standing by with Caron Butler. Craig?
Craig: Thanks, Ernie. Caron, the humiliation perpetrated by Drew Carey. Is this is a bad start to your NBA career?
Butler: Nope, not really.
Craig: Talk about the feeling of playing in Memphis--is this a dream come true for you?
Butler: Nope, not really.
Craig: Well how about playing alongside the likes of Shane Battier and Pau Gasol. Isn't that a dream of yours? Isn't that what you promised your dying Uncle in Mississippi in 1992-that you would play with these two athletes one day and finish High School?
Butler: What the hell are you talking about? I am from Massachusetts.
Craig: A dream come true for a young Northeastern/southern man. Back to you, Ernie.
Ernie: Thanks, Jim, er, I mean Craig. Okay guys, the Knicks at #7--any thoughts? Gooden is still available but the talk has surround Maryland sophomore, Chris Wilcox who's been bothering people in the green room with his scary agent, Rock Newman.
Charles: Rock Newman is a punk. Wilcox isn't ready--he should have stayed in school. What a dumbass.
Thompson: Amen to that brother. No player should ever leave before he spends four years at Georgetown.
Kenny: He played at Maryland, Coach.
Thompson: Wherever.
Majerus: But he almost..
Kenny and Charles together: CAME TO UTAH, RIGHT?
Majerus: Yup. And his mom bakes the most wonderful chocolate chip cookies and she likes it from...
(at that moment, Wilcox leaps onto the podium and clotheslines Majerus. He and Newman proceeded to kick Majerus into a bloody pulp with Charles laughing. Hubie Brown tries to stop them but Newman flips the old burn victim off stage as Hubie breaks his hip. The John Thompson stands up and they walk off. Majerus and Brown are helped off stage and Rick Pitino and Clippers coach Alvin Gentry replace them as color analysts.)
Ernie: Okay, this draft continues to be full of surprises and we will certainly give you updates on the condition of Hubie Brown and Rick Majerus. But you have gotta say Chris Wilcox is making his presence felt early in the NBA.
Thompson: And what upside!
Gentry: Yes, he has great upside .
Pitino: Tremendous upside . He can go the full 40.
(Thompson smiles--two new "upside" recruits have landed).
Baseball Free Press
June 26, 2002
By Alex R., Associate Editor
Folks, the Baseball Free Press has done the unthinkable and crossed over in sport to the NBA as well as traveled into the future to take a look ahead of time at TNT's telecast of tomorrow night's 2002 NBA Draft.
The Scene: New York City, Madison Square Garden
The Crew: Ernie Johnson, Jr., Charles Barkley, Kenny "The Jet" Smith, Rick Majerus, John Thompson, Peter Vescey, Hubie Brown, Reggie Theus, Danny Ainge, and the always present Craig Sager.
The Event: the 2002 NBA Draft
Ernie: Welcome folks at home to our exciting presentation here of the 2002 NBA Draft. I want to welcome all my colleagues including Sir Charles, Kenny 'The Jet' Smith, Utah Coach Rick Majerus, analysts Hubie Brown and John Thompson and reporting live from various NBA sites with interviews will be Danny Ainge, Reggie Theus, Cheryl Miller, and Peter Vescey. Welcome Everyone.
Charles: I just want to see what these kids are wearing. There's always some knucklehead with a red suit like Jalen Rose had that one time.
Kenny: Charles, you know you're just jealous because they all dress better than you.
Hubie: I tell you something, Kenny, all these kids here have tremendous upside. All of them.
Thompson: Huge upside, Hubie.
Majerus: yeah, their upside is even bigger then my backside--that's a lot of upside.
Ernie: well, no suspense gentleman on who the first pick is--Yao Ming from China soon to be a Houston Rocket.
Hubie: And let the "Ming Dynasty" begin.
Thompson: I don't know, burn man. Patrick Ewing called me personally this morning to tell me he really doesn't like Yao. And if Patrick doesn't like him, then he must be right.
Charles: What does Patrick know. He's old and he needs to retire. Hell, all your Georgetown centers are old and gettin' abused by Shaq anyway.
(Silence...)
Ernie: Okay, let's head to the podium where David Stern will announce the first pick.
STERN: and with the first pick of the NBA Draft, the Houston Rockets select YAO MING from the People's Republic of China.
(lots of booing and American flag waiving; suddenly, about 40 Chinese Government soldiers appear with Yao in an Ivan Drago type silk red robe draped over him. The entire brood walks on stage and as David Stern attempts to hand Yao his Rockets cap, two Chinese officials throw Stern off stage into the Clippers table and make evil gestures towards a hostile NY City crowd--communism takes an ugly turn at the NBA Draft)
Ernie: Folks, a surprising turn of events here. Commissioner Stern appears to be in some pain after getting tossed by members of the Chinese Government and is being helped up by NBA Deputy Commissioner, Russ Granik.
Charles: I like Yao a little better--I have thought about taking out that little punk myself.
Kenny: c'mon Charles, this is not good. Not a way for the first International player to go #1 to make his presence felt.
Hubie: But Kenny, you have to talk about Ming's upside . He has tremendous upside . A nice shot, good feel for the game, he's going to be the Rockets center for the next 40 years.
Thompson: agreed.
Ernie: Ok, Craig Sager is now ready with Yao a bit earlier then expected. The Chicago Bulls are on the clock, folks.
Craig: Yao, why throw David Stern into the Clipper table upon arriving on stage?
Yao: Stern small, toss like toy! Ba ha ha ha!!!!
Craig: Yao, how do you feel about replacing longtime Rockets center Hakeem Olajuwon?
Yao: Hakeem weak. Yao strong. Yao bring Democracy to its knees!
Craig: Okay, Yao, how do you feel about Houston? Are you excited about playing in the same division as Wang Zyu Zyu?
Yao: Wang its traitor. I go to Dallas and kill Wang. I LOVE this game!
Craig: Okay, Ernie, it appears Yao Ming is ready to make an NBA impact.
(commercial)
Ernie: wow, guys some excitement to start off the draft including the first time ever that Commissioner Stern has been tossed through the air into the
Clipper table.
Charles: And don't think the Clippers making bad picks this year won't have that as an excuse.
Ernie: Let's talk about the Bulls and the 2nd pick--any thoughts?
Kenny: Jay Williams, but he went to Duke.
Hubie: Yes, Jay Williams and he has tremendous and stupendous upside .
Thompson: Yes, Jay Williams will go here. He's a Point Guard, right?
Majerus: I agree, take Jay Williams here. You know guys, he almost came to play for me at Utah and Coach K stole him at the last minute.
(Ernie rolls his eyes)
Ernie: hey, let's cut over to Reggie Theus in Denver who's with the Nuggets' Dan Issel. Reggie?
Reggie: Thanks EJ. Dan, as a true veteran of the lottery and the owners of the 5th pick along with a later first round pick, any idea of what area you want to start improving the team?
Kiki Vandeweghe: Yes, Reggie, first things first, I am Kiki Vandewghe. Dan is no longer with the Nuggets organization in any capacity.
Reggie: Excuse me.
Kiki: Anyway, Reg, our first order of business is to get talented guys to stop running for the exits. We need players to actually STAY in Denver.
Maybe it's the altitude but everyone can't wait to leave.
Reggie: Dan, I mean Kiki, can you give us some insight on your pick at #5?
Kiki: Well, Tubbs, I mean Reggie, We like that Georgian with the funny name, Caron Butler, Jared Jeffies or lots of guys. Hell, according to John Thompson, Hubie Brown, and Rick Majerus, everyone has freaking great upside ?!!?!
(Barkley laughs out loud at that)
Ernie: Well, we will get back out to Reggie in Denver but a beat up David Stern is ready with the next pick.
STERN: With the 2nd pick of the NBA Draft, the Chicago Bulls select Jay Williams from Duke University.
(Stern smiles as he sees a much smaller man who comes from the Duke pedigree, realizing Jay won't hurt him--Jay pretends to throw a fake punch but smiles and hugs Stern rather passionately--Russ Granik walks over to tell Jay its time to talk to Craig Sager which clearly upsets Jay as it does every other draft pick).
Ernie: well, guys, you were right--the Bulls went for Jay Williams.
Hubie: Yup. Great upside .
Thompson: Agreed, tremendous upside . Lots of potential.
Majerus: Yes, endless potential. Should be able to share minutes with Jamal Crawford at the point.
Charles: Why does he have to be Jay Williams? I mean, so what if there is a white loser named Jason and a murderer also named Jayson: be a man son and keep your name. And Jay, what's with that suit?
Kenny: Oh Charles...
Ernie: Okay, let's send it down to Craig Sager..Craig?
Craig: Here we have Jay Williams, not Jason Williams. Jay, why the new name? Jay: Well Ernie, there are too many Jason's and they are all bad dudes. I am
just lovin' the ladies. That's my crime--a crime of passion, baby.
Craig: Well, Jay, can you get me some of those ladies in Chicago?
Jay: Sure, Craig, and while I am it, why don't I let you play for Duke and sleep with my mother?
Craig: (voice shaking) Hey, just playing. So, another Duke player in the NBA--how does it feel?
Jay: Probably the same as if I had played for another college and was going to the NBA? What kind of question is that?
Craig: Well, good luck, Jay. Ernie, this young man is ready for thr big time, back to you.
Ernie: Okay, up next guys is Golden State at #3.
Charles: The Warriors stink. I mean, when was the last time this team was any good? They make the Clippers look like the Lakers. Is Elgin running this team now?
Kenny: Charles, Charles. Calm. Anyway, the Warriors are going with Mike Dunleavy it seems.
Charles: Another skinny white kid with good PR--please. He is gonna get batted around like a small child in the NBA. I am surprise the Jazz and the Celtics don't move up to draft his white ass.
Hubie: Yes, but he has tremendous upside .
Thompson: Yes, loads of potential, even for a white kid.
Majerus: Yeah, I recuited him too at Utah but his dad told him to go to Duke. I was so close...
Ernie: Okay, Cheryl Miller is up in Houston to talk with Crroll Dawson, the General Manager of the Rockets about Yao Ming. Cheryl?
Cheryl: Thanks, Ernie. Carroll, can you talk about taking Yao Ming. What does it mean to this franchise to have a real center again?
Carroll: Don't you have a WNBA game to cover or something?
Cheryl: That was very rude.
Carroll: Whatever. Anyway, we wouldn't have taken Ming if the Chinese Government hadn't threatened to blow up Houston like the aliens did in "Independence Day"--we had no choice. Personally, I like Caron Butler.
Cheryl: So, Carroll, you are saying the Chinese Government threatened the city of Houston into making Yao Ming the #1 pick of the NBA Draft?
Carroll: Yes. Hell, you saw what his 'posse' did to David Stern!
Cheryl: wow, Ernie, a surprising admission here by Houston. Sounds like they have their work cut out for them.
Ernie: Okay, guys, we are ready for Golden State. Who do the Warriors go with here?
Charles: Skinny white dude.
Kenny: Dunleavy.
Hubie: Yes, Dunleavy and don't forget his tremendous upside .
Thompson: Yes, upside , for a white boy.
Majerus: Did I mention I almost had this kid at Utah?
Ernie: Okay, it looks like David Stern is ready to announce the Warriors pick.
STERN: with the third pick in the NBA Draft, the Golden State Warriors select Mike Dunleavy, Jr. from Duke University.
(a dejected Dunleavy reluctantly leaves the green room and puts on the Warriors cap--he starts to turn around but two huge men in black suits point Dunleavy towards Stern. They hug.)
Ernie: Well, again no surprises here with Dunleavy heading to Golden State.
Charles: I will give the kid this, he knows he's heading to the Warriors and he's not happy.
Hubie: Yes, but he is going to turn the Warriors around--ohh, that upside.
Ernie: Okay, we now head out to Washington where Danny Ainge is with Wizards President Michael Jordan. The Wizards of course pick at #11 and #17 and last year had the #1 pick, Kwame Brown. Danny?
Ainge: I am here with Michael. Michael, you trade Courtney Alexander to the Hornets and you now have two first round picks. Any indication of what you are going to do?
Jordan: Why would I tell you, Danny?
Ainge: Because I am now working for TNT and I am no longer your on court bitch.
Jordan: So now you're my off court bitch. You'll find out when the rest of America does. (Jordan walks off)
Ainge: Well, Ernie, Michael is being very tight lipped here at the MCI Center. Back to you.
Charles: I told Danny Michael wouldn't talk to him. Michael told me on the Golf course yesterday he likes Dejuan Wagner at #11 and then a few foreign guys at #17.
Kenny: Really? He told you over Golf?
Charles: Yeah, and he says even though you went to North Carolina, he still won't play Golf with you so stop calling.
Hubie: Well, Wanger has tremendous upside --unlimited potential.
Thompson: Yes, loads of potential.
Majerus: He almost came to Utah, where I had Andre Miller, who's a poor black kid from South Central but came to play with a bunch of white kids at Utah. I am quite the convincer. Oh, and Wagner has tremendous game--what upside !
Ernie: Speaking of Andre Miller, he's been the subject of trade rumors that would send him to the Clippers for Kenyan Dolling and the Clippers' 8th and 12th picks. Let's send it over to Peter Vescey at the Staples Center in Los Angeles for the latest trade rumors. Peter?
Peter: Yes, Ernie, well, there are a lot of rumors swirling. Among them, the Spurs are looking to deal Tim Duncan and Malik Rose to Philadelphia for Allen Iverson, Aaron McKie and Derrick Coleman. I also have Kobe Bryant headed from the Laker to Sacramento for Mike Bibby and Doug Christie as well as Paul Pierce and Antoine Walker leaving Boston and heading to Phoenix for Shawn Marion, Penny Hardaway, and Stephon Marbury. Also, my sources indicate that Tracy McGrady is headed to the Knicks for Latrell Sprewell and Charlie Ward.
Charles: Peter, are all these rumors true or hearsay? Are you making this sh-- up? Who are your sources?
Peter: Well, Charles, all these sources can be substantiated. I can't reveal all my sources but I have had several conversations with Spike Lee and Jack Nicholson recently.
Kenny: Any other trades, Peter?
Peter: Yes, look for Dallas to trade Dirk Nowitzki, Steve Nash, Michael Finley, Eduardo Najera, some cash, and some office employees of Mark Cuban along with 500 Dairy Queen sandwiches to Memphis for Shane Battier and some Memphis BBQ.
Ernie: Gee, Peter, that sounds like another master stroke by Jerry West.
Peter: Yes, Ernie, it would seem that way.
Thompson: Peter, John Thompson here.
Peter: Who?
Thompson: Big black dude, used to coach Georgetown?
Peter: Oh yeah.
Thompson: Peter, can you comment on Shane Battier's upside as to why Mark Cuban would trade so much for him?
Peter: I can't comment specifically on Shane's upside but I will say that Mr. Cuban likes him a whole lot. He appears to have major upside .
Ernie: Thanks, Peter. We will check in with you again soon. Peter Vescey, folks, live from the Staples Center. Okay, it looks like David Stern is ready for Memphis' pick at #4.
STERN: With the fourth pick in the NBA Draft, the Memphis Grizzlies select Maybyner 'Nene' Hilario from Vasco De Gama in Brazil.
(the NY city fans immediately start booing until a smiling Jerry West is shown on screen and then suddenly everyone nods in complete understanding because Jerry always knows more than everyone else. Jerry is sitting there with an evil, Mr. Burns like smile as a stunned Hilario is walking on stage towards Stern).
Ernie: Our first shocker and it comes from the 'logo', Jerry West.
Charles: Since Jerry took him, the Grizzlies will probably be in the Finals now and Hilario will be league MVP.
Hubie: Well, Charles he does have unbelievable upside .
(Kenny shakes his head in disbelief).
Thompson: I agree, Mayberry ninny Hilarious is terrific and has tremendous upside .
Majerus: Yeah, I almost had him at Utah. I forgot to mention that Yao Ming also should have been in Utah too. And what great upside !
Ernie: Kenny, any explanation? We all had Drew Gooden here and West throws the curve ball. Is he drafting for someone else? A trade perhaps?
Kenny: It's Jerry West, he knows more than the Clippers that's for sure.
Ernie: Okay, let's send it over to Craig who's with Maybyner. Craig?
Craig: Maybyner, the name. It's pretty crazy. Any explanation?
Nene: (with thick Spanish accent) Yes, My mother was a hippie. Took lots of drugs.
Craig: How about you--any drugs?
Nene: No, not in a long time.
Craig: So you are saying there have been drugs? You do realize they are illegal in the NBA?
Nene: first of all, jack---, I am not stupid, and second Jim Gray, that didn't stop Chris Washburn or even Robert Parish!
(Charles falls on the floor laughing at the Jim Gray comment; Charles can't believe how witty this kid is for a Spanish star learning our language).
Ernie: Okay, well enough of that, sounds like Nene has quite the sense of humor.
Majerus: Yes, he's pretty hilario!
(Thompson and Hubie laugh. Charles stands up and smacks Majerus hard in the back of the head and then sits down. Majerus tears up as John Thompson starts to rub his shoulders)
Ernie: Apologize, Charles.
Kenny: C'mon, Charles, he was trying to be funny.
Charles: But he's not and the 3 viewers we now have left at home watching didn't think it was funny either!
(At this point, Ernie makes the throat slash gesture to the TNT camera men who cut to commercial).
Ernie: Okay, we are back from commercial. Any thoughts on what the Nuggets do at #5?
Charles: They are Golden State in the mountains. It's the Nuggets, who cares?
Kenny: Well, they were looking at Skiti form Georgia but now with Gooden still on the board, they may go there since both Howard and McDyess are free agents and neither one wants to stay in Denver.
Hubie: Good point, Kenhy. Plus, Gooden has tremendous upside .
Thompson: Yes, Drew has unlimited potential.
Ernie: Rick? Coach Majerus?
(Majerus is still crying and apparently has left for McDonald's to grab he and Thompson burgers. On his way out, he says he was close to getting Gooden at Utah before he chose Kansas).
Ernie: Okay, let's head over to Commissioner Stern.
STERN: With the 5th pick of the NBA Draft, the Denver Nuggets select Nikolai Tskitsivili from the Republic of Georgia.
(a smattering of boos and chants of "U-S-A, U-S-A" are led by Hulk Hogan who is in the crowd. Nikolai lifts his middle finger to the crowd and does an air hammer and sickle).
Ernie: Wow, I thought Gooden would go here but the Nuggets stuck with another man who apparently prfers Communism.
Charles: He's from Georgia? He sure doesn't look like he's from Alabama. Another white, foreign dude. Where's Yinka Dare when you need him. They didn't come any blacker then Yinka the stinka.
Kenny: Oh, Charles...
Hubie: This Russian kid, Nicholas Colasanto, has tremendous upside . He was wonderful as Coach on "Cheers". Tremendous upside.
Thompson: Yes, tremendous upside and great potential, even for a white kid.
Majerus (w/ a burger hanging out of his mouth): yes, great upside and he almost...
Charles and Kenny in unison: CAME TO UTAH, RIGHT?
Silence....
Okay let's head down to Craig with Nikolai Tskiovili...
Craig: Nikolai, can you explain the jubilation you must be feeling heading to Denver as the 5th overall pick in the NBA Draft?
Nikolai: What jubilation? Denver is Democracy pig city. It does put me a bit closer to Norad...
Craig: Norad? Why would a Russian want to be close to Norad?
Nikolai: I will explain in due time, Mr. Sager.
Craig: Well, finally, the Nuggets have someone excited about playing for them. Back to you, Ernie.
Ernie: Well guys, we are up to Cleveland at #6. Drew Gooden is still on the board but we have Caron Butler or perhaps a trade projected here. Any thoughts? Gooden or Butler or a trade?
Kenny: I say Caron Butler here who's probably the best athlete in the draft.
Charles: I say Caron because Drew Gooden is wearing a pink suit and the Cavs are already embarrassed enough about being the Cavs.
Hubie: Well, both Gooden and Butler have tremendous upside and the Cavs need help right now everywhere but point guard.
Thompson: Yes, Gooden has tremendous upside . Butler also has tremendous upside .
Majerus: (eating his super sized fries now) Well, Butler almost came to Utah but a last minute trip by Jimmy Calhoun to Sal Lake City cut that off to me. As for Gooden, well, he actually signed a letter of intent with me, his mom was a real nice lady and made me a big dinner. We even had sex a few times. I was sure Drew was coming to Utah but then Roy Williams had sex with Drew's mom and he went to Kansas. Really nice lady and both those kids have tremendous upside .
(Everyone sits in stunned silence except Charles)
Charles: First of all, what woman would be crazy enough to sleep with you and second, I hope to hell she was on top.
Majerus: She was.
Ernie: Well, let's send it down to Commissioner Stern for Cleveland's pick.
STERN: With the 6th pick of the NBA Draft, the Cleveland Cavaliers select Caron Butler from the University of Connecticut.
(Butler is seen in the back crying, hugging his family, Jim Calhoun, the seat filler lady, the security guard, Chris Wilcox, Qyntel Woods, Qyntel's grandmother and many other folks. He grabs his Cavs hat and as he's walking up, an overly excited Drew Carey emerges from the crowd and hugs Butler as he's walking up--Carey then takes the picture with Stern and Butler and presents Butler with a giant plaque signed from the city council and Mayor of Cleveland proclaiming Butler their newest son. Butler is overwhelmed with emotion.)
Ernie: Wow, Drew Carey here representing Cleveland and their excitement to land Caron Butler.
Charles: Drew Carey is someone who I could believe would have sex with you, Majerus.
Kenny: Charles, Charles. Anyway, great pick by Cleveland. Let's hope with all that fuss Drew and the city are making that Butler isn't traded--would be pretty embarrassing!
(At that moment, Commissioner Stern heads back to the podium. He announces that Cleveland has indeed traded the rights to Caron Butler and point guard Andre Miller to Memphis for Jason Williams, the rights to the #4 pick, Maybyner Nene Hilario and Stromile Swift to Cleveland. A dejected Drew Carey yanks the plaque from Butler's hands, yanks off his new Cavaliers cap and walks it over to Hilario, hugs him gingerly and quietly heads back to his seat. Charles starts laughing again.)
Ernie: Unbelievable turn of events here. Pretty embarrassing of Drew Carey to make that kind of display for Butler and that give all that stuff over to Hilario. Just amazing.
Charles: What does Drew Carey know, he's just a white boy. But another great trade by the logo, Jerry West. Man that guy is so smart. And I think everyone else is an idiot.
Kenny: Agreed: Great move by West. Getting Miller and Butler and pairing him with Battier and Gasol is quite a unit of players. I was sure that Miller would be heading to the Clippers.
Charles: And once AGAIN, Jerry West outsmarts the Clippers.
Thompson: And let's not forget that Caron Butler has tremendous upside .
Hubie: Yes, great upside , loads of potential. The next Michael Jordan and Scottie Pippen rolled into one.
Majerus: I already mentioned that he almost came to Utah. Great kid. And what a mom; another great cook and great lay.
(everyone cringes)
Ernie: Let's send it down to Craig Sager who's standing by with Caron Butler. Craig?
Craig: Thanks, Ernie. Caron, the humiliation perpetrated by Drew Carey. Is this is a bad start to your NBA career?
Butler: Nope, not really.
Craig: Talk about the feeling of playing in Memphis--is this a dream come true for you?
Butler: Nope, not really.
Craig: Well how about playing alongside the likes of Shane Battier and Pau Gasol. Isn't that a dream of yours? Isn't that what you promised your dying Uncle in Mississippi in 1992-that you would play with these two athletes one day and finish High School?
Butler: What the hell are you talking about? I am from Massachusetts.
Craig: A dream come true for a young Northeastern/southern man. Back to you, Ernie.
Ernie: Thanks, Jim, er, I mean Craig. Okay guys, the Knicks at #7--any thoughts? Gooden is still available but the talk has surround Maryland sophomore, Chris Wilcox who's been bothering people in the green room with his scary agent, Rock Newman.
Charles: Rock Newman is a punk. Wilcox isn't ready--he should have stayed in school. What a dumbass.
Thompson: Amen to that brother. No player should ever leave before he spends four years at Georgetown.
Kenny: He played at Maryland, Coach.
Thompson: Wherever.
Majerus: But he almost..
Kenny and Charles together: CAME TO UTAH, RIGHT?
Majerus: Yup. And his mom bakes the most wonderful chocolate chip cookies and she likes it from...
(at that moment, Wilcox leaps onto the podium and clotheslines Majerus. He and Newman proceeded to kick Majerus into a bloody pulp with Charles laughing. Hubie Brown tries to stop them but Newman flips the old burn victim off stage as Hubie breaks his hip. The John Thompson stands up and they walk off. Majerus and Brown are helped off stage and Rick Pitino and Clippers coach Alvin Gentry replace them as color analysts.)
Ernie: Okay, this draft continues to be full of surprises and we will certainly give you updates on the condition of Hubie Brown and Rick Majerus. But you have gotta say Chris Wilcox is making his presence felt early in the NBA.
Thompson: And what upside!
Gentry: Yes, he has great upside .
Pitino: Tremendous upside . He can go the full 40.
(Thompson smiles--two new "upside" recruits have landed).