Pitching goes to the Dogs
Baseball Free Press
July 16th, 2002
By Alex R., Associate Editor
WASHINGTON, D.C.--No, this is not an article about juiced up hitters hitting juiced up Baseball or pitching thin rosters from the advent of too many teams, this is another cost cutting measure by a desperate group of owners trying to save a few bucks: starting pitchers who are not starting that day will be used as hot dog vendors in at least two parks: Shea Stadium and the Ballpark at Arlington.
Desperate time call for desperate measures. This according to Mets owner Fred Wilpon and Rangers owner, Tom Hicks. Wilpon and Hicks each spent a bunch of money in the offseason on over priced veterans and their teams are terrible. What's worse is that they cannot deal any of their bad players so they have ordered their General Managers, Steve Phillips of the Mets and John Hart of the Rangers, to fire several stadium workers and replace them with resting starters.
"This is what we have been reduced to in these tough economic times," said Commissioner Bud Selig from his office today. "I have tried to tell you that several teams can't make payroll and are about to go broke and now the Rangers and Mets have to cut back on stadium workers."
"Unfortunately, I can't do anything about A-Rod's contract and have no money left for pitching so if we are to contend, the stadium workers have to go," said a depressed Hicks from his luxury box in Arlington. "If you'll look down in the 200 section, you will see Dave Burba earning his payckeck and selling hot dogs to families. If you look towards my upper left side, you can see Chan Ho Park sweating and earning his paycheck as well."
The starting pitchers from New York and Texas did not share Mr. Hicks' enthusiasm.
"God I wish they would trade me back to the Giants," said a sweating and unhappy Shawn Estes. "These New Yorkers are ruthless. It's bad enough they heckled me after my last start when I was in the dugout but two guys just jumped me pouring saurkraut down my shirt and rubbing little chopped onions in my eyes and nobody helped--everybody just cheered these guys on. And for crying out loud, these guys were members of the New York City Police Department!"
The horror stories got worse.
"The other day, a little kid ran up to me and I thought he wanted my autograph but he cursed me out for not giving him a napkin with his dog," said a freaked out Al Leiter. "Even when i tried to apologize, he kicked me in the groin and asked me why I was making so much money when his dad had to bus tables at the Carnegie Deli."
Players Union Chief Don Fehr is upset but can't do much to fight this since all these players are under contract. He did say there would never be a salary cap and was going to push for these wealthy players to make even more money.
"I don't care if Baseball ends for the next ten years and all these guys are out of a job," said an angry Fehr who mischieviously rubbed his little horns. "There will never be a salary cap as long as I have breath in my body!"
Fehr then had a couple of his goons push our reporter, Alex R., to the ground.
As the news of the Rangers and Mets sending their starters to serve hot dogs hit the rest of Baseball, two more teams, the Tigers and the Devil Rays, immediately instituted this policy at Comerica Park and Tropicana Field respectively.
Baseball Free Press
July 16th, 2002
By Alex R., Associate Editor
WASHINGTON, D.C.--No, this is not an article about juiced up hitters hitting juiced up Baseball or pitching thin rosters from the advent of too many teams, this is another cost cutting measure by a desperate group of owners trying to save a few bucks: starting pitchers who are not starting that day will be used as hot dog vendors in at least two parks: Shea Stadium and the Ballpark at Arlington.
Desperate time call for desperate measures. This according to Mets owner Fred Wilpon and Rangers owner, Tom Hicks. Wilpon and Hicks each spent a bunch of money in the offseason on over priced veterans and their teams are terrible. What's worse is that they cannot deal any of their bad players so they have ordered their General Managers, Steve Phillips of the Mets and John Hart of the Rangers, to fire several stadium workers and replace them with resting starters.
"This is what we have been reduced to in these tough economic times," said Commissioner Bud Selig from his office today. "I have tried to tell you that several teams can't make payroll and are about to go broke and now the Rangers and Mets have to cut back on stadium workers."
"Unfortunately, I can't do anything about A-Rod's contract and have no money left for pitching so if we are to contend, the stadium workers have to go," said a depressed Hicks from his luxury box in Arlington. "If you'll look down in the 200 section, you will see Dave Burba earning his payckeck and selling hot dogs to families. If you look towards my upper left side, you can see Chan Ho Park sweating and earning his paycheck as well."
The starting pitchers from New York and Texas did not share Mr. Hicks' enthusiasm.
"God I wish they would trade me back to the Giants," said a sweating and unhappy Shawn Estes. "These New Yorkers are ruthless. It's bad enough they heckled me after my last start when I was in the dugout but two guys just jumped me pouring saurkraut down my shirt and rubbing little chopped onions in my eyes and nobody helped--everybody just cheered these guys on. And for crying out loud, these guys were members of the New York City Police Department!"
The horror stories got worse.
"The other day, a little kid ran up to me and I thought he wanted my autograph but he cursed me out for not giving him a napkin with his dog," said a freaked out Al Leiter. "Even when i tried to apologize, he kicked me in the groin and asked me why I was making so much money when his dad had to bus tables at the Carnegie Deli."
Players Union Chief Don Fehr is upset but can't do much to fight this since all these players are under contract. He did say there would never be a salary cap and was going to push for these wealthy players to make even more money.
"I don't care if Baseball ends for the next ten years and all these guys are out of a job," said an angry Fehr who mischieviously rubbed his little horns. "There will never be a salary cap as long as I have breath in my body!"
Fehr then had a couple of his goons push our reporter, Alex R., to the ground.
As the news of the Rangers and Mets sending their starters to serve hot dogs hit the rest of Baseball, two more teams, the Tigers and the Devil Rays, immediately instituted this policy at Comerica Park and Tropicana Field respectively.