Poundstone Pregnant with Jeter love-child
Baseball Free Press Exclusive
Alex R., Associate Editor
January 24th, 2002 at 2:15 pm
WASHINGTON, D.C.--In one of the most shocking revelations to hit Major League Baseball since the lockout of 1994, lesbian comedienne Paula Poundstone announced she is pregnant with Derek Jeter's baby.
"I categorically deny ever touching Ms. Poundstone," said an angered Jeter. "I have a steady girlfriend and I love her very much. Plus, my girlfriend is really, really, really hot."
Poundstone's lawyer, Michael Goodman, says Jeter's is responsible and his client has 'large amounts of evidence' to prove that Jeter is the father.
"Mr. Jeter is responsible for getting my client, Paula Poundstone, pregnant," said Goodman in a released statement. "She spent a weekend at his bungalow in Greenwich, Connecticut and she can describe many personal accepts to Mr. Jeter and his loft that proves he is the responsible party."
Poundstone, the 37 year old comedienne, has seen her share of negative media in 2001 after she was arrested for allegedly molesting and abusing her adopted children. Though Poundstone is usually mum on her private life, her strong friendship with comedians Rosie O'Donnell and Sandra Bernhard had led to strong speculation that Poundstone is a lesbian.
Jeter of course is the 27 year old heart and soul of the multi time World Champion New York Yankees and is their starting shortstop. He is considered world wide one of the most attractive, eligible bachelors around and considering some of the women he has been linked to, the possibility that he may have indeed impregnated Paula Poundstone is absolutely a surprise.
Others around Baseball were both shocked and amused by the revelations.
"I always wished I could get the kind of women to come home with me that Derek turns down" says teammate David Wells. "Now I think Derek may look into some of my sloppy seconds. Man, Poundstone? She's a man-beast!"
"If Derek had just asked, I am sure Andruw and myself could have brought him along to Hooter's and the Gold Club," said a sarcastic Chipper Jones of the Atlanta Braves. "We honestly had no idea Derek needed help in getting better women and we are here to 'reach out,' buddy."
The comments did not end there.
"I had always looked up to Derek as an idol in so many ways," said Pirates starter Kris Benson. "That's why my wife and I revealed so much details of our sex life to Playboy. We were inspired by guys like Derek and wanted to be looked at in the same vane. I really didn't even know Derek. Who is the REAL Derek Jeter?"
The commissioner's office, already busy this off season with the time traveling debacle of Tommy Lasorda and Joey Amalfitano, the "Weakest Link" small market episode, and the Steve Spurrier rumors, was dismayed at Derek's choice.
"We here at Major League Baseball do not condone one of our best looking players sleeping with an unattractive, frumpy hack like Paula Poundstone," said Bud Selig. "Even my wife is hotter."
Poundstone was finally reached at her home in La Jolla, California and was very open about her love affair with Jeter.
"First of all, the man is tiny. T-I-N-Y tiny!" exclaimed Paula. "I was shocked. A guy like him? Oh well, just goes to show that looks and money can't fix everything. Second, if you want proof that I slept with him, he has a Denmark shaped birthmark on his right inner thigh. He was actually pretty proud of it, so much so that he has the word, 'Copenhagen' tattooed above it."
Poundstone delved further.
"And his place was a mess! You would think a guy with that much money could afford a made but no...bats and balls everywhere and he all the different versions of 'Chicken Soup for the Soul' on his dresser. And then there was the collection of hot wheels. I was like, how old is this guy?"
Jeter further declined comment and said he would talk to his lawyer.
The last call of the day on this story however came from former President, Bill Clinton.
"Wow, Derek Jeter and Paula Poundstone? I guess Paula Jones and Monica Lewinsky aint looking so bad now," said the gleeful former President.
Baseball Free Press Exclusive
Alex R., Associate Editor
January 24th, 2002 at 2:15 pm
WASHINGTON, D.C.--In one of the most shocking revelations to hit Major League Baseball since the lockout of 1994, lesbian comedienne Paula Poundstone announced she is pregnant with Derek Jeter's baby.
"I categorically deny ever touching Ms. Poundstone," said an angered Jeter. "I have a steady girlfriend and I love her very much. Plus, my girlfriend is really, really, really hot."
Poundstone's lawyer, Michael Goodman, says Jeter's is responsible and his client has 'large amounts of evidence' to prove that Jeter is the father.
"Mr. Jeter is responsible for getting my client, Paula Poundstone, pregnant," said Goodman in a released statement. "She spent a weekend at his bungalow in Greenwich, Connecticut and she can describe many personal accepts to Mr. Jeter and his loft that proves he is the responsible party."
Poundstone, the 37 year old comedienne, has seen her share of negative media in 2001 after she was arrested for allegedly molesting and abusing her adopted children. Though Poundstone is usually mum on her private life, her strong friendship with comedians Rosie O'Donnell and Sandra Bernhard had led to strong speculation that Poundstone is a lesbian.
Jeter of course is the 27 year old heart and soul of the multi time World Champion New York Yankees and is their starting shortstop. He is considered world wide one of the most attractive, eligible bachelors around and considering some of the women he has been linked to, the possibility that he may have indeed impregnated Paula Poundstone is absolutely a surprise.
Others around Baseball were both shocked and amused by the revelations.
"I always wished I could get the kind of women to come home with me that Derek turns down" says teammate David Wells. "Now I think Derek may look into some of my sloppy seconds. Man, Poundstone? She's a man-beast!"
"If Derek had just asked, I am sure Andruw and myself could have brought him along to Hooter's and the Gold Club," said a sarcastic Chipper Jones of the Atlanta Braves. "We honestly had no idea Derek needed help in getting better women and we are here to 'reach out,' buddy."
The comments did not end there.
"I had always looked up to Derek as an idol in so many ways," said Pirates starter Kris Benson. "That's why my wife and I revealed so much details of our sex life to Playboy. We were inspired by guys like Derek and wanted to be looked at in the same vane. I really didn't even know Derek. Who is the REAL Derek Jeter?"
The commissioner's office, already busy this off season with the time traveling debacle of Tommy Lasorda and Joey Amalfitano, the "Weakest Link" small market episode, and the Steve Spurrier rumors, was dismayed at Derek's choice.
"We here at Major League Baseball do not condone one of our best looking players sleeping with an unattractive, frumpy hack like Paula Poundstone," said Bud Selig. "Even my wife is hotter."
Poundstone was finally reached at her home in La Jolla, California and was very open about her love affair with Jeter.
"First of all, the man is tiny. T-I-N-Y tiny!" exclaimed Paula. "I was shocked. A guy like him? Oh well, just goes to show that looks and money can't fix everything. Second, if you want proof that I slept with him, he has a Denmark shaped birthmark on his right inner thigh. He was actually pretty proud of it, so much so that he has the word, 'Copenhagen' tattooed above it."
Poundstone delved further.
"And his place was a mess! You would think a guy with that much money could afford a made but no...bats and balls everywhere and he all the different versions of 'Chicken Soup for the Soul' on his dresser. And then there was the collection of hot wheels. I was like, how old is this guy?"
Jeter further declined comment and said he would talk to his lawyer.
The last call of the day on this story however came from former President, Bill Clinton.
"Wow, Derek Jeter and Paula Poundstone? I guess Paula Jones and Monica Lewinsky aint looking so bad now," said the gleeful former President.