Baseball Free Press

The baseball stories the ''legitimate'' press won't touch.

Thursday, June 06, 2002

Caminiti apparently lied to Promote 'Minute Maid Park'
Baseball Free Press
June 6th, 2002
By Alex R., Associate Editor


HOUSTON, TX.--The juice is apparently looser than most people realized.

In a surprise confession to The Houston Chronicle this morning, former Astros, Padres, and Braves Third Baseman Ken Caminiti admitted that he "lied about half of Baseball players being on the juice" to help promote Minute Maid taking over the name of the park formerly known as Enron and Astros Field in Houston.

"I have embarrassed myself, my friends, my family and especially my former Astros teammates by saying the word 'juice' a lot to help promote the "Minute Maid" name with the field in Houston," said Caminiti in a tearful confession. "I love orange juice and they promised me a free year's supply of O.J. if I said half of Major League Baseball was juiced on steroids."

Several reporters started to get suspicious of a connection between Caminiti's announcement to Sports Illustrated and shortly after Minute Maid's purchasing of Astros Field. It was known by several that Caminiti still lives year around in Sugarland, a popular jock suburb of Houston and some reporters started hanging around Caminiti's house.

"I found about 70 empty cartons of Minute Maid orange juice in black trash bags outside of the Caminiti home," said Detroit Free Press columnist Mitch Albom. "Ken saw me snooping around and came after me with a baseball bat. If it wasn't for my fleet feet, I would have been a dead man--he was clearly juiced up on something, orange juice, cocaine, who knows?"

Minute Maid has been contacted by several major media outlets including ESPN, the USA Today, The Houston Chronicle, and the Baseball Free Press but has declined comment for the story.

"I drink a lot of orange juice but I certainly do not want to be associated with the type of massive orange juice drinking done by Caminiti," said the normally press shy John Rocker of the Texas Rangers. "We here in Major League Baseball work so hard to cultivate a good media relationship as well as a good relationship with the fans that we don't want to allow some orange juice scandal to mess our first class image we hold so dear."

Rocker's eloquent statement was echoed by his Rangers teammate, outfielder Carl Everett.

"Caminiti should be ashamed of himself," said an emotional Everett. "Why just the other day, John Rocker and I were visiting a children's hospital in downtown Dallas and a young boy, or was it a girl, I can't remember, anyway, the point is, some skinny kid dying of something or other was looking at John and I with a broken heart asking us if we were 'juicing up' on Minute Maid--I said 'of course not' and the kid said he or she could die happy knowing that," said Everett who broke down and cried.

Wednesday, June 05, 2002

Rangers Billionaire Owner to Buy Mariners Season
Baseball Free Press
June 4th, 2002
by Alex R., Associate Editor


ARLINGTON, TX--In one of the more bizarre recent stories in Major League Baseball, desperate Rangers owner Tom Hicks has decided to offer the Mariners ownership group from Japan more than a billion dollars to trade their entire rosters as well as current standings in the American League West.

"This is unprecedented," was the short quote from Commissioner Bud Selig's office in Milwaukee.

Hicks, who openly complained recently that he had spent all his money on big name superstars such as Rafael Palmeiro, Carl Everett and especially Alex Rodriguez, was not happy with the results of his under .500 squad. He has fired General Manager Doug Melvin and now he's trying to buy the American League West.

"If you cannot beat the Mariners, then I believe you have to become them," said a seemingly deranged and hostile Hicks. "If A-Rod can't help me win, let's see how he feels about being back in a Mariners uniform in Seattle, only with this group of guys like John Rocker and Carl Everett as his teammates."

Alex Rodriguez immediately held a press conference.

"I am not gay, and that happened a long time ago at camp so it doesn't count!" A-Rod shouted into the microphone. Rodriguez was then informed that the conference was not called because someone accused him of that but of what Hicks had said and done. Visibly shaken, A-Rod got back to the microphone.

"Um, I, uh, never went to camp. But anyway, Mr. Hicks cannot make me go back to Seattle a big fat loser. Why can't he keep me and just get the rest of the Mariners to join me?"

Members of the Mariners roster chimed in with various reactions.

"It rains a whole lot less in Dallas so that's fine with me as long as I get to keep all my same teammates and standing in the west," said Mariners designated hitter, Edgar Martinez. "Besides, you can't get decent Mexican food in Seattle so I can eat SOMETHING besides Ichiro's home made sushi every game. That stuff makes you sick."

"I love this game!" shouted Ichiro and Kaz Sazaki simultaneously.

Not to be forgotten in all this was the most controversial Ranger, John Rocker.

"When I signed up to play Baseball, I didn't ask to go to Canada to play for the stinkin' Mariners. This stinks!"