Pitching goes to the Dogs
Baseball Free Press
July 16th, 2002
By Alex R., Associate Editor

WASHINGTON, D.C.--No, this is not an article about juiced up hitters hitting juiced up Baseball or pitching thin rosters from the advent of too many teams, this is another cost cutting measure by a desperate group of owners trying to save a few bucks: starting pitchers who are not starting that day will be used as hot dog vendors in at least two parks: Shea Stadium and the Ballpark at Arlington.

Desperate time call for desperate measures. This according to Mets owner Fred Wilpon and Rangers owner, Tom Hicks. Wilpon and Hicks each spent a bunch of money in the offseason on over priced veterans and their teams are terrible. What's worse is that they cannot deal any of their bad players so they have ordered their General Managers, Steve Phillips of the Mets and John Hart of the Rangers, to fire several stadium workers and replace them with resting starters.

"This is what we have been reduced to in these tough economic times," said Commissioner Bud Selig from his office today. "I have tried to tell you that several teams can't make payroll and are about to go broke and now the Rangers and Mets have to cut back on stadium workers."

"Unfortunately, I can't do anything about A-Rod's contract and have no money left for pitching so if we are to contend, the stadium workers have to go," said a depressed Hicks from his luxury box in Arlington. "If you'll look down in the 200 section, you will see Dave Burba earning his payckeck and selling hot dogs to families. If you look towards my upper left side, you can see Chan Ho Park sweating and earning his paycheck as well."

The starting pitchers from New York and Texas did not share Mr. Hicks' enthusiasm.

"God I wish they would trade me back to the Giants," said a sweating and unhappy Shawn Estes. "These New Yorkers are ruthless. It's bad enough they heckled me after my last start when I was in the dugout but two guys just jumped me pouring saurkraut down my shirt and rubbing little chopped onions in my eyes and nobody helped--everybody just cheered these guys on. And for crying out loud, these guys were members of the New York City Police Department!"

The horror stories got worse.

"The other day, a little kid ran up to me and I thought he wanted my autograph but he cursed me out for not giving him a napkin with his dog," said a freaked out Al Leiter. "Even when i tried to apologize, he kicked me in the groin and asked me why I was making so much money when his dad had to bus tables at the Carnegie Deli."

Players Union Chief Don Fehr is upset but can't do much to fight this since all these players are under contract. He did say there would never be a salary cap and was going to push for these wealthy players to make even more money.

"I don't care if Baseball ends for the next ten years and all these guys are out of a job," said an angry Fehr who mischieviously rubbed his little horns. "There will never be a salary cap as long as I have breath in my body!"

Fehr then had a couple of his goons push our reporter, Alex R., to the ground.

As the news of the Rangers and Mets sending their starters to serve hot dogs hit the rest of Baseball, two more teams, the Tigers and the Devil Rays, immediately instituted this policy at Comerica Park and Tropicana Field respectively.

Baseball Free Press Uncovers the NBA
Baseball Free Press
June 26, 2002
By Alex R., Associate Editor

Folks, the Baseball Free Press has done the unthinkable and crossed over in sport to the NBA as well as traveled into the future to take a look ahead of time at TNT's telecast of tomorrow night's 2002 NBA Draft.

The Scene: New York City, Madison Square Garden

The Crew: Ernie Johnson, Jr., Charles Barkley, Kenny "The Jet" Smith, Rick Majerus, John Thompson, Peter Vescey, Hubie Brown, Reggie Theus, Danny Ainge, and the always present Craig Sager.

The Event: the 2002 NBA Draft

Ernie: Welcome folks at home to our exciting presentation here of the 2002 NBA Draft. I want to welcome all my colleagues including Sir Charles, Kenny 'The Jet' Smith, Utah Coach Rick Majerus, analysts Hubie Brown and John Thompson and reporting live from various NBA sites with interviews will be Danny Ainge, Reggie Theus, Cheryl Miller, and Peter Vescey. Welcome Everyone.

Charles: I just want to see what these kids are wearing. There's always some knucklehead with a red suit like Jalen Rose had that one time.

Kenny: Charles, you know you're just jealous because they all dress better than you.

Hubie: I tell you something, Kenny, all these kids here have tremendous upside. All of them.

Thompson: Huge upside, Hubie.

Majerus: yeah, their upside is even bigger then my backside--that's a lot of upside.

Ernie: well, no suspense gentleman on who the first pick is--Yao Ming from China soon to be a Houston Rocket.

Hubie: And let the "Ming Dynasty" begin.

Thompson: I don't know, burn man. Patrick Ewing called me personally this morning to tell me he really doesn't like Yao. And if Patrick doesn't like him, then he must be right.

Charles: What does Patrick know. He's old and he needs to retire. Hell, all your Georgetown centers are old and gettin' abused by Shaq anyway.

(Silence...)

Ernie: Okay, let's head to the podium where David Stern will announce the first pick.

STERN: and with the first pick of the NBA Draft, the Houston Rockets select YAO MING from the People's Republic of China.

(lots of booing and American flag waiving; suddenly, about 40 Chinese Government soldiers appear with Yao in an Ivan Drago type silk red robe draped over him. The entire brood walks on stage and as David Stern attempts to hand Yao his Rockets cap, two Chinese officials throw Stern off stage into the Clippers table and make evil gestures towards a hostile NY City crowd--communism takes an ugly turn at the NBA Draft)

Ernie: Folks, a surprising turn of events here. Commissioner Stern appears to be in some pain after getting tossed by members of the Chinese Government and is being helped up by NBA Deputy Commissioner, Russ Granik.

Charles: I like Yao a little better--I have thought about taking out that little punk myself.

Kenny: c'mon Charles, this is not good. Not a way for the first International player to go #1 to make his presence felt.

Hubie: But Kenny, you have to talk about Ming's upside . He has tremendous upside . A nice shot, good feel for the game, he's going to be the Rockets center for the next 40 years.

Thompson: agreed.

Ernie: Ok, Craig Sager is now ready with Yao a bit earlier then expected. The Chicago Bulls are on the clock, folks.

Craig: Yao, why throw David Stern into the Clipper table upon arriving on stage?
Yao: Stern small, toss like toy! Ba ha ha ha!!!!
Craig: Yao, how do you feel about replacing longtime Rockets center Hakeem Olajuwon?
Yao: Hakeem weak. Yao strong. Yao bring Democracy to its knees!
Craig: Okay, Yao, how do you feel about Houston? Are you excited about playing in the same division as Wang Zyu Zyu?
Yao: Wang its traitor. I go to Dallas and kill Wang. I LOVE this game!
Craig: Okay, Ernie, it appears Yao Ming is ready to make an NBA impact.

(commercial)

Ernie: wow, guys some excitement to start off the draft including the first time ever that Commissioner Stern has been tossed through the air into the
Clipper table.

Charles: And don't think the Clippers making bad picks this year won't have that as an excuse.

Ernie: Let's talk about the Bulls and the 2nd pick--any thoughts?

Kenny: Jay Williams, but he went to Duke.

Hubie: Yes, Jay Williams and he has tremendous and stupendous upside .

Thompson: Yes, Jay Williams will go here. He's a Point Guard, right?

Majerus: I agree, take Jay Williams here. You know guys, he almost came to play for me at Utah and Coach K stole him at the last minute.

(Ernie rolls his eyes)

Ernie: hey, let's cut over to Reggie Theus in Denver who's with the Nuggets' Dan Issel. Reggie?

Reggie: Thanks EJ. Dan, as a true veteran of the lottery and the owners of the 5th pick along with a later first round pick, any idea of what area you want to start improving the team?

Kiki Vandeweghe: Yes, Reggie, first things first, I am Kiki Vandewghe. Dan is no longer with the Nuggets organization in any capacity.

Reggie: Excuse me.

Kiki: Anyway, Reg, our first order of business is to get talented guys to stop running for the exits. We need players to actually STAY in Denver.
Maybe it's the altitude but everyone can't wait to leave.

Reggie: Dan, I mean Kiki, can you give us some insight on your pick at #5?

Kiki: Well, Tubbs, I mean Reggie, We like that Georgian with the funny name, Caron Butler, Jared Jeffies or lots of guys. Hell, according to John Thompson, Hubie Brown, and Rick Majerus, everyone has freaking great upside ?!!?!

(Barkley laughs out loud at that)

Ernie: Well, we will get back out to Reggie in Denver but a beat up David Stern is ready with the next pick.

STERN: With the 2nd pick of the NBA Draft, the Chicago Bulls select Jay Williams from Duke University.

(Stern smiles as he sees a much smaller man who comes from the Duke pedigree, realizing Jay won't hurt him--Jay pretends to throw a fake punch but smiles and hugs Stern rather passionately--Russ Granik walks over to tell Jay its time to talk to Craig Sager which clearly upsets Jay as it does every other draft pick).

Ernie: well, guys, you were right--the Bulls went for Jay Williams.

Hubie: Yup. Great upside .

Thompson: Agreed, tremendous upside . Lots of potential.

Majerus: Yes, endless potential. Should be able to share minutes with Jamal Crawford at the point.

Charles: Why does he have to be Jay Williams? I mean, so what if there is a white loser named Jason and a murderer also named Jayson: be a man son and keep your name. And Jay, what's with that suit?

Kenny: Oh Charles...

Ernie: Okay, let's send it down to Craig Sager..Craig?

Craig: Here we have Jay Williams, not Jason Williams. Jay, why the new name? Jay: Well Ernie, there are too many Jason's and they are all bad dudes. I am
just lovin' the ladies. That's my crime--a crime of passion, baby.
Craig: Well, Jay, can you get me some of those ladies in Chicago?
Jay: Sure, Craig, and while I am it, why don't I let you play for Duke and sleep with my mother?
Craig: (voice shaking) Hey, just playing. So, another Duke player in the NBA--how does it feel?
Jay: Probably the same as if I had played for another college and was going to the NBA? What kind of question is that?
Craig: Well, good luck, Jay. Ernie, this young man is ready for thr big time, back to you.

Ernie: Okay, up next guys is Golden State at #3.

Charles: The Warriors stink. I mean, when was the last time this team was any good? They make the Clippers look like the Lakers. Is Elgin running this team now?

Kenny: Charles, Charles. Calm. Anyway, the Warriors are going with Mike Dunleavy it seems.

Charles: Another skinny white kid with good PR--please. He is gonna get batted around like a small child in the NBA. I am surprise the Jazz and the Celtics don't move up to draft his white ass.

Hubie: Yes, but he has tremendous upside .

Thompson: Yes, loads of potential, even for a white kid.

Majerus: Yeah, I recuited him too at Utah but his dad told him to go to Duke. I was so close...

Ernie: Okay, Cheryl Miller is up in Houston to talk with Crroll Dawson, the General Manager of the Rockets about Yao Ming. Cheryl?

Cheryl: Thanks, Ernie. Carroll, can you talk about taking Yao Ming. What does it mean to this franchise to have a real center again?

Carroll: Don't you have a WNBA game to cover or something?

Cheryl: That was very rude.

Carroll: Whatever. Anyway, we wouldn't have taken Ming if the Chinese Government hadn't threatened to blow up Houston like the aliens did in "Independence Day"--we had no choice. Personally, I like Caron Butler.

Cheryl: So, Carroll, you are saying the Chinese Government threatened the city of Houston into making Yao Ming the #1 pick of the NBA Draft?

Carroll: Yes. Hell, you saw what his 'posse' did to David Stern!

Cheryl: wow, Ernie, a surprising admission here by Houston. Sounds like they have their work cut out for them.

Ernie: Okay, guys, we are ready for Golden State. Who do the Warriors go with here?

Charles: Skinny white dude.

Kenny: Dunleavy.

Hubie: Yes, Dunleavy and don't forget his tremendous upside .

Thompson: Yes, upside , for a white boy.

Majerus: Did I mention I almost had this kid at Utah?

Ernie: Okay, it looks like David Stern is ready to announce the Warriors pick.

STERN: with the third pick in the NBA Draft, the Golden State Warriors select Mike Dunleavy, Jr. from Duke University.

(a dejected Dunleavy reluctantly leaves the green room and puts on the Warriors cap--he starts to turn around but two huge men in black suits point Dunleavy towards Stern. They hug.)

Ernie: Well, again no surprises here with Dunleavy heading to Golden State.

Charles: I will give the kid this, he knows he's heading to the Warriors and he's not happy.

Hubie: Yes, but he is going to turn the Warriors around--ohh, that upside.

Ernie: Okay, we now head out to Washington where Danny Ainge is with Wizards President Michael Jordan. The Wizards of course pick at #11 and #17 and last year had the #1 pick, Kwame Brown. Danny?

Ainge: I am here with Michael. Michael, you trade Courtney Alexander to the Hornets and you now have two first round picks. Any indication of what you are going to do?

Jordan: Why would I tell you, Danny?

Ainge: Because I am now working for TNT and I am no longer your on court bitch.

Jordan: So now you're my off court bitch. You'll find out when the rest of America does. (Jordan walks off)

Ainge: Well, Ernie, Michael is being very tight lipped here at the MCI Center. Back to you.

Charles: I told Danny Michael wouldn't talk to him. Michael told me on the Golf course yesterday he likes Dejuan Wagner at #11 and then a few foreign guys at #17.

Kenny: Really? He told you over Golf?

Charles: Yeah, and he says even though you went to North Carolina, he still won't play Golf with you so stop calling.

Hubie: Well, Wanger has tremendous upside --unlimited potential.

Thompson: Yes, loads of potential.

Majerus: He almost came to Utah, where I had Andre Miller, who's a poor black kid from South Central but came to play with a bunch of white kids at Utah. I am quite the convincer. Oh, and Wagner has tremendous game--what upside !

Ernie: Speaking of Andre Miller, he's been the subject of trade rumors that would send him to the Clippers for Kenyan Dolling and the Clippers' 8th and 12th picks. Let's send it over to Peter Vescey at the Staples Center in Los Angeles for the latest trade rumors. Peter?

Peter: Yes, Ernie, well, there are a lot of rumors swirling. Among them, the Spurs are looking to deal Tim Duncan and Malik Rose to Philadelphia for Allen Iverson, Aaron McKie and Derrick Coleman. I also have Kobe Bryant headed from the Laker to Sacramento for Mike Bibby and Doug Christie as well as Paul Pierce and Antoine Walker leaving Boston and heading to Phoenix for Shawn Marion, Penny Hardaway, and Stephon Marbury. Also, my sources indicate that Tracy McGrady is headed to the Knicks for Latrell Sprewell and Charlie Ward.

Charles: Peter, are all these rumors true or hearsay? Are you making this sh-- up? Who are your sources?

Peter: Well, Charles, all these sources can be substantiated. I can't reveal all my sources but I have had several conversations with Spike Lee and Jack Nicholson recently.

Kenny: Any other trades, Peter?

Peter: Yes, look for Dallas to trade Dirk Nowitzki, Steve Nash, Michael Finley, Eduardo Najera, some cash, and some office employees of Mark Cuban along with 500 Dairy Queen sandwiches to Memphis for Shane Battier and some Memphis BBQ.

Ernie: Gee, Peter, that sounds like another master stroke by Jerry West.

Peter: Yes, Ernie, it would seem that way.

Thompson: Peter, John Thompson here.

Peter: Who?

Thompson: Big black dude, used to coach Georgetown?

Peter: Oh yeah.

Thompson: Peter, can you comment on Shane Battier's upside as to why Mark Cuban would trade so much for him?

Peter: I can't comment specifically on Shane's upside but I will say that Mr. Cuban likes him a whole lot. He appears to have major upside .

Ernie: Thanks, Peter. We will check in with you again soon. Peter Vescey, folks, live from the Staples Center. Okay, it looks like David Stern is ready for Memphis' pick at #4.

STERN: With the fourth pick in the NBA Draft, the Memphis Grizzlies select Maybyner 'Nene' Hilario from Vasco De Gama in Brazil.

(the NY city fans immediately start booing until a smiling Jerry West is shown on screen and then suddenly everyone nods in complete understanding because Jerry always knows more than everyone else. Jerry is sitting there with an evil, Mr. Burns like smile as a stunned Hilario is walking on stage towards Stern).

Ernie: Our first shocker and it comes from the 'logo', Jerry West.

Charles: Since Jerry took him, the Grizzlies will probably be in the Finals now and Hilario will be league MVP.

Hubie: Well, Charles he does have unbelievable upside .

(Kenny shakes his head in disbelief).

Thompson: I agree, Mayberry ninny Hilarious is terrific and has tremendous upside .

Majerus: Yeah, I almost had him at Utah. I forgot to mention that Yao Ming also should have been in Utah too. And what great upside !

Ernie: Kenny, any explanation? We all had Drew Gooden here and West throws the curve ball. Is he drafting for someone else? A trade perhaps?

Kenny: It's Jerry West, he knows more than the Clippers that's for sure.

Ernie: Okay, let's send it over to Craig who's with Maybyner. Craig?

Craig: Maybyner, the name. It's pretty crazy. Any explanation?
Nene: (with thick Spanish accent) Yes, My mother was a hippie. Took lots of drugs.
Craig: How about you--any drugs?
Nene: No, not in a long time.
Craig: So you are saying there have been drugs? You do realize they are illegal in the NBA?
Nene: first of all, jack---, I am not stupid, and second Jim Gray, that didn't stop Chris Washburn or even Robert Parish!

(Charles falls on the floor laughing at the Jim Gray comment; Charles can't believe how witty this kid is for a Spanish star learning our language).

Ernie: Okay, well enough of that, sounds like Nene has quite the sense of humor.

Majerus: Yes, he's pretty hilario!

(Thompson and Hubie laugh. Charles stands up and smacks Majerus hard in the back of the head and then sits down. Majerus tears up as John Thompson starts to rub his shoulders)

Ernie: Apologize, Charles.

Kenny: C'mon, Charles, he was trying to be funny.

Charles: But he's not and the 3 viewers we now have left at home watching didn't think it was funny either!

(At this point, Ernie makes the throat slash gesture to the TNT camera men who cut to commercial).

Ernie: Okay, we are back from commercial. Any thoughts on what the Nuggets do at #5?

Charles: They are Golden State in the mountains. It's the Nuggets, who cares?

Kenny: Well, they were looking at Skiti form Georgia but now with Gooden still on the board, they may go there since both Howard and McDyess are free agents and neither one wants to stay in Denver.

Hubie: Good point, Kenhy. Plus, Gooden has tremendous upside .

Thompson: Yes, Drew has unlimited potential.

Ernie: Rick? Coach Majerus?

(Majerus is still crying and apparently has left for McDonald's to grab he and Thompson burgers. On his way out, he says he was close to getting Gooden at Utah before he chose Kansas).

Ernie: Okay, let's head over to Commissioner Stern.

STERN: With the 5th pick of the NBA Draft, the Denver Nuggets select Nikolai Tskitsivili from the Republic of Georgia.

(a smattering of boos and chants of "U-S-A, U-S-A" are led by Hulk Hogan who is in the crowd. Nikolai lifts his middle finger to the crowd and does an air hammer and sickle).

Ernie: Wow, I thought Gooden would go here but the Nuggets stuck with another man who apparently prfers Communism.

Charles: He's from Georgia? He sure doesn't look like he's from Alabama. Another white, foreign dude. Where's Yinka Dare when you need him. They didn't come any blacker then Yinka the stinka.

Kenny: Oh, Charles...

Hubie: This Russian kid, Nicholas Colasanto, has tremendous upside . He was wonderful as Coach on "Cheers". Tremendous upside.

Thompson: Yes, tremendous upside and great potential, even for a white kid.

Majerus (w/ a burger hanging out of his mouth): yes, great upside and he almost...

Charles and Kenny in unison: CAME TO UTAH, RIGHT?

Silence....

Okay let's head down to Craig with Nikolai Tskiovili...

Craig: Nikolai, can you explain the jubilation you must be feeling heading to Denver as the 5th overall pick in the NBA Draft?

Nikolai: What jubilation? Denver is Democracy pig city. It does put me a bit closer to Norad...

Craig: Norad? Why would a Russian want to be close to Norad?

Nikolai: I will explain in due time, Mr. Sager.

Craig: Well, finally, the Nuggets have someone excited about playing for them. Back to you, Ernie.

Ernie: Well guys, we are up to Cleveland at #6. Drew Gooden is still on the board but we have Caron Butler or perhaps a trade projected here. Any thoughts? Gooden or Butler or a trade?

Kenny: I say Caron Butler here who's probably the best athlete in the draft.

Charles: I say Caron because Drew Gooden is wearing a pink suit and the Cavs are already embarrassed enough about being the Cavs.

Hubie: Well, both Gooden and Butler have tremendous upside and the Cavs need help right now everywhere but point guard.

Thompson: Yes, Gooden has tremendous upside . Butler also has tremendous upside .

Majerus: (eating his super sized fries now) Well, Butler almost came to Utah but a last minute trip by Jimmy Calhoun to Sal Lake City cut that off to me. As for Gooden, well, he actually signed a letter of intent with me, his mom was a real nice lady and made me a big dinner. We even had sex a few times. I was sure Drew was coming to Utah but then Roy Williams had sex with Drew's mom and he went to Kansas. Really nice lady and both those kids have tremendous upside .

(Everyone sits in stunned silence except Charles)

Charles: First of all, what woman would be crazy enough to sleep with you and second, I hope to hell she was on top.

Majerus: She was.

Ernie: Well, let's send it down to Commissioner Stern for Cleveland's pick.

STERN: With the 6th pick of the NBA Draft, the Cleveland Cavaliers select Caron Butler from the University of Connecticut.

(Butler is seen in the back crying, hugging his family, Jim Calhoun, the seat filler lady, the security guard, Chris Wilcox, Qyntel Woods, Qyntel's grandmother and many other folks. He grabs his Cavs hat and as he's walking up, an overly excited Drew Carey emerges from the crowd and hugs Butler as he's walking up--Carey then takes the picture with Stern and Butler and presents Butler with a giant plaque signed from the city council and Mayor of Cleveland proclaiming Butler their newest son. Butler is overwhelmed with emotion.)

Ernie: Wow, Drew Carey here representing Cleveland and their excitement to land Caron Butler.

Charles: Drew Carey is someone who I could believe would have sex with you, Majerus.

Kenny: Charles, Charles. Anyway, great pick by Cleveland. Let's hope with all that fuss Drew and the city are making that Butler isn't traded--would be pretty embarrassing!

(At that moment, Commissioner Stern heads back to the podium. He announces that Cleveland has indeed traded the rights to Caron Butler and point guard Andre Miller to Memphis for Jason Williams, the rights to the #4 pick, Maybyner Nene Hilario and Stromile Swift to Cleveland. A dejected Drew Carey yanks the plaque from Butler's hands, yanks off his new Cavaliers cap and walks it over to Hilario, hugs him gingerly and quietly heads back to his seat. Charles starts laughing again.)

Ernie: Unbelievable turn of events here. Pretty embarrassing of Drew Carey to make that kind of display for Butler and that give all that stuff over to Hilario. Just amazing.

Charles: What does Drew Carey know, he's just a white boy. But another great trade by the logo, Jerry West. Man that guy is so smart. And I think everyone else is an idiot.

Kenny: Agreed: Great move by West. Getting Miller and Butler and pairing him with Battier and Gasol is quite a unit of players. I was sure that Miller would be heading to the Clippers.

Charles: And once AGAIN, Jerry West outsmarts the Clippers.

Thompson: And let's not forget that Caron Butler has tremendous upside .

Hubie: Yes, great upside , loads of potential. The next Michael Jordan and Scottie Pippen rolled into one.

Majerus: I already mentioned that he almost came to Utah. Great kid. And what a mom; another great cook and great lay.

(everyone cringes)

Ernie: Let's send it down to Craig Sager who's standing by with Caron Butler. Craig?

Craig: Thanks, Ernie. Caron, the humiliation perpetrated by Drew Carey. Is this is a bad start to your NBA career?

Butler: Nope, not really.

Craig: Talk about the feeling of playing in Memphis--is this a dream come true for you?

Butler: Nope, not really.

Craig: Well how about playing alongside the likes of Shane Battier and Pau Gasol. Isn't that a dream of yours? Isn't that what you promised your dying Uncle in Mississippi in 1992-that you would play with these two athletes one day and finish High School?

Butler: What the hell are you talking about? I am from Massachusetts.

Craig: A dream come true for a young Northeastern/southern man. Back to you, Ernie.

Ernie: Thanks, Jim, er, I mean Craig. Okay guys, the Knicks at #7--any thoughts? Gooden is still available but the talk has surround Maryland sophomore, Chris Wilcox who's been bothering people in the green room with his scary agent, Rock Newman.

Charles: Rock Newman is a punk. Wilcox isn't ready--he should have stayed in school. What a dumbass.

Thompson: Amen to that brother. No player should ever leave before he spends four years at Georgetown.

Kenny: He played at Maryland, Coach.

Thompson: Wherever.

Majerus: But he almost..

Kenny and Charles together: CAME TO UTAH, RIGHT?

Majerus: Yup. And his mom bakes the most wonderful chocolate chip cookies and she likes it from...

(at that moment, Wilcox leaps onto the podium and clotheslines Majerus. He and Newman proceeded to kick Majerus into a bloody pulp with Charles laughing. Hubie Brown tries to stop them but Newman flips the old burn victim off stage as Hubie breaks his hip. The John Thompson stands up and they walk off. Majerus and Brown are helped off stage and Rick Pitino and Clippers coach Alvin Gentry replace them as color analysts.)

Ernie: Okay, this draft continues to be full of surprises and we will certainly give you updates on the condition of Hubie Brown and Rick Majerus. But you have gotta say Chris Wilcox is making his presence felt early in the NBA.

Thompson: And what upside!

Gentry: Yes, he has great upside .

Pitino: Tremendous upside . He can go the full 40.

(Thompson smiles--two new "upside" recruits have landed).

Caminiti apparently lied to Promote 'Minute Maid Park'
Baseball Free Press
June 6th, 2002
By Alex R., Associate Editor

HOUSTON, TX.--The juice is apparently looser than most people realized.

In a surprise confession to The Houston Chronicle this morning, former Astros, Padres, and Braves Third Baseman Ken Caminiti admitted that he "lied about half of Baseball players being on the juice" to help promote Minute Maid taking over the name of the park formerly known as Enron and Astros Field in Houston.

"I have embarrassed myself, my friends, my family and especially my former Astros teammates by saying the word 'juice' a lot to help promote the "Minute Maid" name with the field in Houston," said Caminiti in a tearful confession. "I love orange juice and they promised me a free year's supply of O.J. if I said half of Major League Baseball was juiced on steroids."

Several reporters started to get suspicious of a connection between Caminiti's announcement to Sports Illustrated and shortly after Minute Maid's purchasing of Astros Field. It was known by several that Caminiti still lives year around in Sugarland, a popular jock suburb of Houston and some reporters started hanging around Caminiti's house.

"I found about 70 empty cartons of Minute Maid orange juice in black trash bags outside of the Caminiti home," said Detroit Free Press columnist Mitch Albom. "Ken saw me snooping around and came after me with a baseball bat. If it wasn't for my fleet feet, I would have been a dead man--he was clearly juiced up on something, orange juice, cocaine, who knows?"

Minute Maid has been contacted by several major media outlets including ESPN, the USA Today, The Houston Chronicle, and the Baseball Free Press but has declined comment for the story.

"I drink a lot of orange juice but I certainly do not want to be associated with the type of massive orange juice drinking done by Caminiti," said the normally press shy John Rocker of the Texas Rangers. "We here in Major League Baseball work so hard to cultivate a good media relationship as well as a good relationship with the fans that we don't want to allow some orange juice scandal to mess our first class image we hold so dear."

Rocker's eloquent statement was echoed by his Rangers teammate, outfielder Carl Everett.

"Caminiti should be ashamed of himself," said an emotional Everett. "Why just the other day, John Rocker and I were visiting a children's hospital in downtown Dallas and a young boy, or was it a girl, I can't remember, anyway, the point is, some skinny kid dying of something or other was looking at John and I with a broken heart asking us if we were 'juicing up' on Minute Maid--I said 'of course not' and the kid said he or she could die happy knowing that," said Everett who broke down and cried.

Rangers Billionaire Owner to Buy Mariners Season
Baseball Free Press
June 4th, 2002
by Alex R., Associate Editor

ARLINGTON, TX--In one of the more bizarre recent stories in Major League Baseball, desperate Rangers owner Tom Hicks has decided to offer the Mariners ownership group from Japan more than a billion dollars to trade their entire rosters as well as current standings in the American League West.

"This is unprecedented," was the short quote from Commissioner Bud Selig's office in Milwaukee.

Hicks, who openly complained recently that he had spent all his money on big name superstars such as Rafael Palmeiro, Carl Everett and especially Alex Rodriguez, was not happy with the results of his under .500 squad. He has fired General Manager Doug Melvin and now he's trying to buy the American League West.

"If you cannot beat the Mariners, then I believe you have to become them," said a seemingly deranged and hostile Hicks. "If A-Rod can't help me win, let's see how he feels about being back in a Mariners uniform in Seattle, only with this group of guys like John Rocker and Carl Everett as his teammates."

Alex Rodriguez immediately held a press conference.

"I am not gay, and that happened a long time ago at camp so it doesn't count!" A-Rod shouted into the microphone. Rodriguez was then informed that the conference was not called because someone accused him of that but of what Hicks had said and done. Visibly shaken, A-Rod got back to the microphone.

"Um, I, uh, never went to camp. But anyway, Mr. Hicks cannot make me go back to Seattle a big fat loser. Why can't he keep me and just get the rest of the Mariners to join me?"

Members of the Mariners roster chimed in with various reactions.

"It rains a whole lot less in Dallas so that's fine with me as long as I get to keep all my same teammates and standing in the west," said Mariners designated hitter, Edgar Martinez. "Besides, you can't get decent Mexican food in Seattle so I can eat SOMETHING besides Ichiro's home made sushi every game. That stuff makes you sick."

"I love this game!" shouted Ichiro and Kaz Sazaki simultaneously.

Not to be forgotten in all this was the most controversial Ranger, John Rocker.

"When I signed up to play Baseball, I didn't ask to go to Canada to play for the stinkin' Mariners. This stinks!"

Wells to 'Pitch' for "Weight Watchers"
Baseball Free Press
Monday, February 25th, 2002

WASHINGTON, D.C.--On the heels of Rafael Palmeiro's stunning announcement that he would be the new pitch man for Viagra, David Wells is the latest to join the fray and offer his services for "Weight Watchers."

"I am a lean, mean fighting machine and I am ready to promote a service millions of Americans strongly believe in, myself included."

Wells, when asked what his regular diet was for 6'0 nearly 300 pound frame, said, he has cut way back down to only one dozen (from two dozen) glazed Krispy Kreme donuts a day, and only one six pack of Coca-Cola as opposed to two. He also said that he's cut back from normal 24 ounce steaks down to a 12 ouncer.

"I am walking billboard these days for health and fitness," Wells exclaimed as he rested from his third sit-up. "Not only am I interested in promoting Weight Watchers, but Gold's Gym as well. I really admire Rafy's openness in promoting Viagra and I felt I needed to be the next Baseball veteran to get
on board the publicity express" as he strained to go for his fourth sit-up.

When reached for comment, a spokesman for "Weight Watchers" said there's not a 'chance in hell' Wells would ever be considered for their programs with his diet.

"Somebody should tell 'Boomer' that glazed donuts isn't exactly on our list of healthy foods," said Sarah Michaels, the national spokeswoman for Weight Watchers out of their headquarters in Los Angeles.

As for Palmeiro, he has found Spring Training less then relaxing after his startling announcement about pitching Viagra. To date, he has found bananas, cucumbers, used condoms, tiny little bowling alley pencils, a pair of athletic socks, and a model rocket ship stuffed into his locker. No Ranger has come forward as of yet, but John Rocker has been unusually 'quiet' until reached for comment this morning.

"If I had known Rafy had a problem I would have lent him some of my porn," Rocker said. "I always thought Latino men were supposed to be so gifted in the sack but I guess that's just the black dudes. Poor Rafy."

Rocker was immediately jumped and beaten senseless by teammate Carl Everett who was contained when Alex Rodriguez grabbed the horse tranquilizers from the Rangers clubhouse and stunned Everett who was tied up and blindfolded until he calmed down.

The Rangers are in the American League West and expect to contend for the A.L. West title. Everett's calm was short lived when a drunken Hideki Irabu walked into the clubhouse and started urinating on Everett and left a case of beer on his head. A-Rod again acted quickly and shot the horse tranquilizer in Irabu tying him up.

Rangers General Manager Doug Melvin had no comment.

Poundstone Pregnant with Jeter love-child
Baseball Free Press Exclusive
Alex R., Associate Editor
January 24th, 2002 at 2:15 pm

WASHINGTON, D.C.--In one of the most shocking revelations to hit Major League Baseball since the lockout of 1994, lesbian comedienne Paula Poundstone announced she is pregnant with Derek Jeter's baby.

"I categorically deny ever touching Ms. Poundstone," said an angered Jeter. "I have a steady girlfriend and I love her very much. Plus, my girlfriend is really, really, really hot."

Poundstone's lawyer, Michael Goodman, says Jeter's is responsible and his client has 'large amounts of evidence' to prove that Jeter is the father.

"Mr. Jeter is responsible for getting my client, Paula Poundstone, pregnant," said Goodman in a released statement. "She spent a weekend at his bungalow in Greenwich, Connecticut and she can describe many personal accepts to Mr. Jeter and his loft that proves he is the responsible party."

Poundstone, the 37 year old comedienne, has seen her share of negative media in 2001 after she was arrested for allegedly molesting and abusing her adopted children. Though Poundstone is usually mum on her private life, her strong friendship with comedians Rosie O'Donnell and Sandra Bernhard had led to strong speculation that Poundstone is a lesbian.

Jeter of course is the 27 year old heart and soul of the multi time World Champion New York Yankees and is their starting shortstop. He is considered world wide one of the most attractive, eligible bachelors around and considering some of the women he has been linked to, the possibility that he may have indeed impregnated Paula Poundstone is absolutely a surprise.

Others around Baseball were both shocked and amused by the revelations.

"I always wished I could get the kind of women to come home with me that Derek turns down" says teammate David Wells. "Now I think Derek may look into some of my sloppy seconds. Man, Poundstone? She's a man-beast!"

"If Derek had just asked, I am sure Andruw and myself could have brought him along to Hooter's and the Gold Club," said a sarcastic Chipper Jones of the Atlanta Braves. "We honestly had no idea Derek needed help in getting better women and we are here to 'reach out,' buddy."

The comments did not end there.

"I had always looked up to Derek as an idol in so many ways," said Pirates starter Kris Benson. "That's why my wife and I revealed so much details of our sex life to Playboy. We were inspired by guys like Derek and wanted to be looked at in the same vane. I really didn't even know Derek. Who is the REAL Derek Jeter?"

The commissioner's office, already busy this off season with the time traveling debacle of Tommy Lasorda and Joey Amalfitano, the "Weakest Link" small market episode, and the Steve Spurrier rumors, was dismayed at Derek's choice.

"We here at Major League Baseball do not condone one of our best looking players sleeping with an unattractive, frumpy hack like Paula Poundstone," said Bud Selig. "Even my wife is hotter."

Poundstone was finally reached at her home in La Jolla, California and was very open about her love affair with Jeter.

"First of all, the man is tiny. T-I-N-Y tiny!" exclaimed Paula. "I was shocked. A guy like him? Oh well, just goes to show that looks and money can't fix everything. Second, if you want proof that I slept with him, he has a Denmark shaped birthmark on his right inner thigh. He was actually pretty proud of it, so much so that he has the word, 'Copenhagen' tattooed above it."

Poundstone delved further.

"And his place was a mess! You would think a guy with that much money could afford a made but no...bats and balls everywhere and he all the different versions of 'Chicken Soup for the Soul' on his dresser. And then there was the collection of hot wheels. I was like, how old is this guy?"

Jeter further declined comment and said he would talk to his lawyer.

The last call of the day on this story however came from former President, Bill Clinton.

"Wow, Derek Jeter and Paula Poundstone? I guess Paula Jones and Monica Lewinsky aint looking so bad now," said the gleeful former President.

Lasorda Time-Travel Plot Foiled

Mar. 14, 2001/Mar. 28, 1935/Jan. 30, 2178
Brooklyn, NY
From the Free Press Wire

A plot by former Dodger manager Tommy Lasorda to travel back in time and prevent the birth of Dodger legend Sandy Koufax was thwarted by celebrity Dodger fan Kurt Russell and the late Casey Stengel, authorities report.

Lasorda, 73, has always been jealous of Koufax, according to friends of both men. "But this just goes way too far," said longtime Dodger Duke Snider. "If Tommy had succeeded, it's possible that the entire space-time continuum could have been destroyed -- or rather have never come into existence at all. Worse, the Yankees could have won even more World Series."

Lasorda blames Koufax, a Hall of Fame lefthander who went 165-87 for the Dodgers from 1955-1966, for ruining his pitching career, and also for being much better looking. "Tommy has always thought that he was a better pitcher than Koufax in the mid-fifties," said Snider. "But the Dodgers gave Sandy more chances, and Tommy spent most of his career in the minors."

Details of the plot are sketchy, and where Lasorda acquired the time machine is as unknown. Early reports indicate that the machine was possibly stolen from an inventor from the far future investigating how the 1988 Dodgers could have possibly beaten the Oakland Athletics in the World Series remain unconfirmed.

Russell, an actor and former minor league baseball player, accidentally overheard Lasorda and longtime henchman Joey Amalfitano discussing the plot at Spago. Russell followed the two to their hideout, where he overpowered Amalfitano, but was too late to prevent Lasorda from traveling back to 1935.

Seemingly instantaneously, Lasorda returned, triumphant. Russell rendered Lasorda unconscious and as reality began to collapse around him, returned to 1935 to undo the damage. Physicists were unable to explain how there could be duration when time itself had ceased to exist.

Russell enlisted the aid of the 1935 version of Stengel (1890-1975), most famous as the manager of the New York Yankees and Mets in the fifties and sixties but then managing the Dodgers. Russell and Stengel tracked down Lasorda, who was attempting to prevent Koufax’s conception by “making a lot of noise”. Lasorda paralyzed Russell with “some sort of raygun” but Stengel was able to subdue and gag him.

Russell thanked Stengel and took possession of Lasorda. However, he was ambushed by Amalfitano, who unbeknownst to Russell had stowed away on the time machine. Amalfitano was easily overcome, but Lasorda took the chance to escape in his time machine to the year 2178. Russell quickly followed.

There, near the blasted remains of Dodger Stadium, Russell and Lasorda undertook an apocalyptic battle. Lasorda, armed with futuristic technology, seemed on the verge of winning when Russell managed to push him to his death in one of the fiery cracks which opened in the Earth after the earthquake of 2103.

The remaining Lasorda is being held on suspicion of attempted violation of the space-time continuum. Koufax is well, though Russell is sure that the pitcher used to be righthanded. A film of the events is in the planning stages. It will be made in 2004, “with Brian Dennehy as Lasorda, Billy Crystal as Casey, and either Jeff Bridges or Jeff Daniels -– I can never tell those two apart -- as me,” said Russell.

Additional reporting by Mac Thomason.